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Scottish independence leaders demand another referendum, to be conducted as a series of by-elections

20, Sep 2014 By surajr

Glasgow: After failing to win when it mattered, pro-independence Scotland leaders have demanded another referendum to decide the independence of Scotland, to be conducted as a series of by-elections. This comes in the wake of the results of the Scottish independence referendum where the pro-independence coalition managed to win only 4 of 32 seats despite getting 44% vote share.

Speaking exclusively to Faking News, pro independence leader Groundskeeper Willie said, “This defeat has been hard to take for us. But we will not back down. In fact, we have demanded another referendum to be held. But this time, we want it to be conducted as a series of by-elections.”

Groundskeeper Willie, a pro-independence Scot
Groundskeeper Willie, a pro-independence Scot

“In the aftermath of our defeat, we decided that we were too naive in our approach for independence and needed to use some underhand tactics to defeat the popular mandate. For this we took inspiration from the dog-eat-dog world of Indian politics. We were astounded by the fact that BJP, the ruling party in India, which had a come to power just this May on the back of an unprecedented mandate was trounced badly in the recently held by-elections. The public even voted for an imbecile party like Samajwadi Party in Uttar Pradesh, under whom the law and order situation is only slightly better than that in ISIS controlled Iraq. So, it seems holding several by-elections causes voting fatigue among the opposition voters, thereby allowing  us subvert the popular mandate and help us in attaining our objective of azadi,” observed Mr Willie.

Another failed Scottish leader, Dave Moyes also spoke to Faking News. “Apart from the idea of by-elections, we have also have taken several other concepts from Indian politics. We have held secret consultations with the world leader in public referendums, Arvind Kejriwal, of the AAP at a hotel in New Delhi. There, we went over the finer aspects of referendum politics; when to use referendums and when to disregard public opinion. We then attended a seminar on analysis of raw data by Yogendra Yadav. We were also given a crash course on dharnas and poetry writing,” said Mr Moyes.

Moyes further added, “We have also taken inspiration from the Telengana model of independence, where at least 2 buses were torched on a daily basis in the lead up to statehood. This seems to be a well suited strategy for us as we Scots have a history of hooliganism when it comes to football. We just need to redirect the hooliganism from football to independence and we should be all set for an independent Scotland. Apart from this, we are also considering freebies such as color TVs, mixer-grinder, laptops and scotch whisky to lure voters to vote for the “Yes” campaign.”

While the British Parliament has not entertained any request for another by-election based referendum, unconfirmed reports suggest that the pro-independence Scottish leaders are planning a sit-down protest at London’s iconic Big-Ben to push through with their demands.