Islamabad, Pakistan. Close on the heels of Indian Parliament passing Food Security Bill (FSB), pieceful (sic.) neighbor Pakistan has passed the much awaited Jannat Security Bill (JSB).
After a debate that lasted ten minutes, 80 rounds of bullets, and 15 bazookas, the bill was passed unanimously.
“It’s a great step towards providing compulsory passage to heaven to millions of freedom fighters who shall be laying down their lives to protect the victims of Mossad-CIA-RAW nexus,” said
survivor Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif after his first major victory since taking charge of whatever is governable in the country.
Mr. Sharif enumerated the main points of the Bill as follows:
1. Jannat Admit Cards to be issued to all freedom fighters, irrespective of where they explode and how many infidels they dispatch to hell.
2. Family members of the martyrs also get the coverage.
3. Lifetime validity: In case the freedom fighter is caught alive, the offer can be availed as and when the possibility of explosion is realized.
4. The clause regarding 72 virgins amended to 72 female virgins.
When asked about what documents were needed to be produced to claim the JSB card, Pakistan’s interior minister said with a smile, “Aadhaar card shall do.”
The bill covers all affiliated members and sympathizers of Pakistan’s war on anti-terror. Pollywood superstar Meera, acting powerhouse Veena Malik, and fiction novelist Shoaib Akhtar are some of the prominent citizens who aren’t covered under this bill due to their abnormal lifestyle and love for mundane things in life.
Spiritual guru Hafiz Saeed has welcomed the development and termed it historic.
“The Jannat Delivery System (JDS, not to be confused with Indian political party Janta Dal Secular) was flawed from the onset. It made martyrdom a mandatory criteria for going to heaven. Fighters like myself are eligible for heaven even without dying. I hope JSB will help more and more people to rise above the BFL (Below Fidelity Line),” he told Faking News.