Islamabad. In a move that has surprised and confused many geopolitical strategists, the Government of Pakistan has awarded Nestle, the makers of the now controversial Maggi noodles, Nishan-e-Pakistan, the country’s highest civilian honor.
Several memorandums-of-understanding are also said to be signed between the R&D establishments of Nestle and Inter Services Intelligence (ISI) of Pakistan, sources tell Faking News.
Explaining the rationale behind the move, a spokesperson of the govt of Pakistan spoke on conditions of anonymity, “We have been closely monitoring the Maggi controversy in India. The presence of lead in an edible consumable was shocking. While the initial plan was to issue a fatwa against any form of production and consumption of noodles, we resisted knee-jerk reactions. We put our top minds at work, and they have helped us sense an opportunity. When noodles gives you lead, make bullets out of it!”
Abdul Hassan Atwa, a professor at the Center for Scientific Terrorism, Islamabad, hailed the development as a game changer in the history of Pakistan.
“We have always maintained that over-reliance on America for funds and technology will not be beneficial in the long term. Besides, there are supply issues as well. The presence of lead in Maggi is very exciting. We could now make bullets out of it at affordable prices. We have already pilot tested it in a factory in Abbottabad. We have successfully encased noodles inside bullet casings, and we hope it is as lethal as people claim it can be for human health.”
“The possibilities are endless,” explained Afridi Bin Laden, a doctoral student at the institute, “We have developed a technology wherein the noodles can be cooked within microseconds, and then served as a lollipop. Whenever our men feel like becoming shaheeds, all they need to do is lick the lollipop. And to think the LTTEs spent so much developing cyanide capsules. Ha!”
Apart from using Maggi as source of bullets, Pakistan is also reported to be happy that the noodles had harmed Indians, which is a part of ‘death by thousand cuts’ strategy of many in Pakistan.
“What our army failed to do, Maggi has done,” Pervez Musharraf told Faking News, confirming another reason why Nestle was given the award.
Officials at Nestle couldn’t be reached for comments.