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Jealous al-Qaeda joins US led coalition against ISIS

11, Sep 2014 By surajr

Kabul. In a move that has sent shockwaves through the Islamic terror industry, erstwhile market leader al-Qaeda has joined the US led international coalition in the war against fellow competitor ISIS.

This announcement was made by the CEO of al-Qaeda, Ayman al-Zawahri , shortly after the US president Barack Obama announced air strikes against ISIS. The timing of this announcement is even more significant as it comes on the anniversary of the 9/11 attacks on USA by al-Qaeda.

Ayman-al-Zawahiri
Jealous of ISIS?

Speaking to Faking News correspondent and world renowned expert on terrorism, Dr Ved Pratap Vaidik,  Ayman al-Zawahri  said, “We have taken this strategic decision to re-assert our preeminence in the Islamic terror industry. We have been missing our projected casualty targets for the last several quarters. Our angel investors and shareholders in Saudi were not happy with the company performance and warned us that if the results did not improve quickly, heads would roll, especially at the boardroom level, no puns intended.”

Zawahri  added, “We tried several initiatives to boost employee morale, including better health benefits for our suicide bombers and tax-free Sodexo coupons worth $500 every month. We also promised onsite opportunities for high performers to our newly opened office in India. We even increased our notice period to 3 months. But none of these initiatives proved successful. Our annual attrition rates hit a lifetime high of 54%, most of whom defected to ISIS. So, we were forced to take up an aggressive stance against our competitors.”

When asked if there was any other reasons beyond just the business side of things, Zawahri  responded, “Yes. Apart from the business side, there is also a humanitarian aspect to our decision. ISIS is a divisive influence in the Middle East. By pitting the Shias against the Sunnis, it has defiled the secular social fabric of the terrorism industry. Also, beheadings are against terror values. Only shootings, bombings, aircraft hijackings and stonings are permitted. As the guardians of the Terrorism Galaxy, we are bound by duty to stop upstarts like the ISIS. Even if it means taking sides with the US, we will go ahead with it. Everything is permitted in this holy war.”

While the White House has not yet responded to the offer by al-Qaeda, the secular political parties in India have taken up this issue quite seriously.

Congress VP Rahul Gandhi stormed the well of a village in his constituency, Amethi, demanding a serious debate on this volte-face by the al-Qaeda.

“This is nothing but the flagrant divisive rabble-rousing by the USA. By using techniques of holistic confabulation and divisive polarization between the terror outfits, the USA has pitted mutual enemies against each other for its own scandalous aspirations in the Middle East,” Congress spokesperson Manish Tewari told reporters in a press conference.

Samajwadi MP and former Chief Minister of Uttar Pradesh, Mulayam Singh Yadav told reporters, “I think al-Qaeda and ISIS should not fight each other and settle their differences via dialogue. ISIS is a young organization with lots of potential. Maybe, they made few errors in the past, but mistakes happen. Boys will be boys. Al-Qaeda leadership should show maturity and mentor the ISIS guys.”