Abbottabad, Pakistan. Just hours after the reported death of Al-Qaeda head, Osama Bin Laden, the terrorist world waits with baited breath for the announcement of his successor. “There are formal selection procedures,” explained “Abdul”, Faking News’ tame terrorist contact, “leadership is not transferred within families, who do you think we are? The Royal family?”
Aware of the slow approach of the US military, the spiritual head of global terrorism had been holding public auditions for his long held post for the past two months. With Osama dead, the results of the contest are due to be announced soon, causing much excitement in Western Pakistan with applicants’ pics and bios appearing on the internet.
“We want Iqbal,” screamed one lady from beneath her niqab, “his beard is the best shaped and he doesn’t beat his wife that much.” Her friend disagreed, “Ahmed is the man, he’s got that evil glint in his eye, but then I’ve always liked bad boys,” she explained.
Applicants were judged on the “menacing nature” of their video cassette appearances, their “generic Middle Eastern appearance” and hiding ability. “Media presentation skills” were judged by Bin Laden himself with special advice from a team of British character actors who specialize in playing bad guys in Hollywood films.
“The standard of facial hair is very high,” said actor, Alan Ripley, “but some of the applicants are too fat to be considered dastardly,” he continued, adding a Dracula-like laugh and a rabid stare. There are rumors that Donald Trump was to send a representative in order to “know his future enemy”, but abandoned the plan after losing all credibility.
The final decision was made by Osama himself and would be binding on all. Democratic succession was ruled out due to the risk of election rigging amongst his ten followers in the cave and the lack of pens, paper and “democratic sentiment”.
The new boss will be keen to avoid the fate of his predecessor, who is now dead and awaiting trial in the US.
Faking News can reveal, from our “international intelligence” source BlackHawk101 at itsaciaconspiracy.com, that the body will be stuffed and taken on a US tour. The Pentagon is keen to recoup some of the multiple billion dollars it cost the world’s most powerful military to catch the ageing, chronically ill man apparently hiding in a cave, who was killed in a tourist city of Pakistan.