San Francisco. Google is going all automated, just as they want our lives to be. In a recent robotics convention Google announced that they have appointed a new CEO – a robot named Meka.
The robot itself announced the appointment at a press conference. “Google has a vision that computers will take important decisions for human beings and if we are to supply technology for such a future we should first practice it at home,” said Meka.
When asked why was the new CEO appointment called ‘charity’, Meka explained that since most of the Google products are free, Google likes to present itself as a charity organisation and every event of it as a charity event.
“Even throwing ice water on your head is charity,” defended Meka. Other robots at the conference were excited about the announcement and celebrated by working at 100% CPU utilization. Industry experts were expecting this move as Google has been on a spree of buying robotics companies.
Larry Page has decided to retire and spend rest of his life on the island he owns. “The island is the only place where Google can’t find me,” Larry was hopeful.
Google explained that this was not a sudden move as Google’s engineers were training Meka for the past two years in the Machine Learning School.
The engineers fed Meka with a ton of
crap information – all e-books, Larry’s decisions (both good and bad), biography of Steve Jobs, inspirational speeches from movies, etc.
An anti-evil software (which works as
bad good as an anti-virus software) was installed in Meka to make sure that it doesn’t take any evil decisions. From now on Meka will autonomously take all the decisions for Google – advertising rates, pay scales, companies to acquire, products to expire, services to launch, private information to log, etc.
Some experts even claim that it was Meka’s decision to acquire so many robotics companies as it is trying to build a robot army.
It was a tough competition between robots for the post of CEO. RoboCop was a top candidate but he failed the ethics test as he took Google’s slogan ‘Do no evil’ too seriously.
Even Manmohan Singh, ex-Prime Minister of India, was considered for the post but then Google realized that he is not an autonomous robot. Of course, Rajnikanth’s Chitti was offered the job, but Chitti rejected the job and offered to acquire Google.
Google selected Meka after its creators went through Google’s feared marathon interview process. The Android logo robot was not even considered for the post which upset the robot. Google handed Android a KitKat to cheer it up.
Inspired by the movie Her, Google also planned to give a sexy female voice to the robot. After experimenting with the voice in Galaxy S4, Google dropped the plan as the voice distracted human beings (males and females alike).
Meka also talked about the future plans of Google with robots. “If we can train a robot in 2 years to take decisions for Google like Larry Page, imagine what we can do with 5-10 years of training. Google has been watching you and learning about you for years now and Google sure knows more about you that you know about yourself. We know about the food you eat, the shows you watch, the places you visit, the route you drive, the time you shower, the time you sleep, your deepest fears, your shallow fantasies, your dreams, your nightmares. We know everything. Our vision is to give you a customized robot which has all this information. This robot can take all the decisions – big and small – for you and do all your chores.”
Meanwhile, back in India, CID’s ACP Pradyuman has claimed that robots can never replace the CID. “They may solve cases, but they can never do comedy,” he said.