Cambridge, UK. The Commonwealth Games are a popular, successful and well managed sporting event, which is doing India proud, claims world-famous physicist Stephen Hawking. Perhaps it would have been the best news for the Organizing Committee (OC) to hear on a day games open, but sadly the games Professor Hawking was referring to are happening in a “parallel universe”.
The world renowned academic told reporters gathered at a press conference at Cambridge University about his latest mind-boggling calculations and his staggering Games-related conclusions.
“I spent two weeks doing the deepest, most complex astro-physical calculations of my career,” Hawking said, “everyone expects weird things to occur in parallel universes, like reverse gravity, time-space wormholes and strange and frightening creatures, but I was not prepared to uncover something as shocking and counter-intuitive as this.” Indeed, Prof. Hawking repeated the calculation three times.
Asked what the OC could learn from its counterparts in an alternative reality, Prof. Hawking was quick to point out that very little useful knowledge could be gained as the OC in the “parallel universe” did not have the inconvenience of “strictly linear time”. Although, he warned that “non-linear time could also enable repeat negative phenomena, for example allowing a bridge to collapse twice”.
Besides meta-physical differences, the Delhi of Hawking’s “parallel universe” is part of a Chinese colony, “so of course everything is on time,” he explained.
However, the organizers have seized Prof. Hawking’s comments. “This proves it’s not our fault,” said OC representative, Prem Raheja, on his fifth allotted tea break of the morning, “we always knew it wasn’t us; it was just that everything we did went wrong. The Delhi Government handed us a task without a thought to the dimension in which it would occur. In fact we suspected that this was the case months back and kind of gave up.”
But Prof. Hawking was quick to point out that a margin of error was always associated with such calculations and the games could easily be a “dismal failure in multiple alternative dimensions”.
Prof. Hawking told the conference that he intends to use his “parallel universe” calculations to identify several “alternative realities” in which beta-max won out against VCR, the wheel had never been invented, and one in which everyone thought Jesus was joking.