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Apple promises to make next iPhone more sensitive than Indians

08, Feb 2015 By Gulshan kishor

Cupertino, CA. A team of researchers at Apple have come up with an idea that could help in realizing the enormous potential of the hypersensitive community in India. It is being termed as the most ambitious project ever undertaken by the company as they attempt to understand the mechanism behind the working of the minds of the most frequently offended people on the planet and then use it as an inspiration behind the iPhone touchscreen.

“It will be so sensitive that you will be able to operate the mobile without even touching the touchscreen”

The team, which consists of some of the best known behavioral researchers and neuroscientists in the world, have already expressed amazement at the unparalleled level of sensitivity found in one of their subjects, Touchy Singh.

“We plotted the number of offences taken by Mr. Touchy versus the number of hours spent doing various daily tasks. We found the curves to be rising linearly while he interacted with us, exponentially while he was reading a newspaper or magazine, and almost vertically while he was surfing the internet,” said the head of the research team, who requested not to be named in the report as he needed to stay alive in order to complete the research.

Meanwhile, protests broke out in India where the hypersensitive community members were seen changing their iPhone wallpaper to a burning effigy of Tim Cook, the CEO of Apple.

Senti Sharma, head of the pune branch of Hurt and Offended Indians (HOI) expressed anger and shock at the humiliating treatment of the members of his community and promised to fight back by helping Micromax in beating Apple.

“We will gladly give out all the secrets of our enviable sensitivity to the Micromax since we believe in ‘Make in India’ and only Indian smartphones have the right to be as sensitive as us,” he said. “However”, he added, “Apple may be allowed to market the hypersensitive version of iPhone in India if it promises to change its logo to an unbitten mango since the bitten apple hurts our feelings. Also, Tim Cook must declare he’s not gay and he only said that to offend straight Indians.”

Soon after the Apple management was made aware of the demands, they issued a press statement which said they were looking at various options to make sure their Indian customer base is satisfied.

A source said the management has made the decision to add a disclaimer on every iPhone case that says: “No Indians’ feelings were harmed in the making of this iPhone.”

However, the hypersensitive community in India opposed the wording of the disclaimer citing that “Indians” may be misunderstood by many to mean native Americans and it was a ploy to take credit away from them. They demanded the use of “Hindustanis” in its place. The community is hopeful that use of this technology will give non-sensitive and moderately sensitive Indians the courage to take offence more freely and frequently.