Transcript of Dhoni’s team meeting for India’s match against Pakistan in the World Cup:
MSD: Guys, expectations from us back home are really low, lower than the results from the AccheDinAaGaye bubble. That suits us well. No pressure. Plus we have Pakistan in our first match.
Virat: Dhoni Bhai, we will wallop the f#%^&*$
MSD: Shaant Gadadhari Bheem. I know you are the alpha male here, but now that you’ve been scoring – both on and off the field – this arrogance is unwarranted.
Virat: Okay Dhoni Bhai, but please tell Shikhar to return my bat.
MSD: Kyon bein Shikhar, return his bat now.
Shikhar: Na Mahi, that’s the only way I can come back in form. #IWontGiveItBack
MSD: Koi na Virat, at least you have a sponsor to give you another bat. Shikhar ki toh lagne waali hai! Anyways, boys, our bowling needs to improve majorly. Bowlers… arre kaun hain hamaare bowlers yaar?
Shami: Sir, main hoon na. And Bhuvi, Umesh too.
MSD: Tumse na ho paayega. Stuart Little will open the bowling for us. Of course, he will also open the scoring for Pakistan. The remaining overs will be shared between Jadeja, Ashwin, Mohit, Raina, and if needed myself. #CSKRocks
Dhawal Kulkarni: Dhoni bhai, mera number kab aayega.
MSD: Jab tu CSK ka jersey pehen ke soyega. Also, we will ask our other CSK bowlers – Hilfenhaus, Bollinger – if they can change nationalities and bowl for India. What say Duncan, can that be arranged?
Duncan: Why ask me, Srini has all the answers.
MSD: Oh yes, I forgot. Consider it done then. So the bowling looks to be sorted. Bhuvi, Umesh, you have an important role to play as well.
Bhuvi (excited): Just tell us what we need to do.
MSD: Remember the boot camp I put you guys through last week? You guys learnt important skills: fishing, rock climbing, and some other skills that I don’t care to remember now. Anyways, the fishing will come in use. Make sure the boys get good seafood for the rest of the tournament. Waise bhi, Ishant will be vella with his injury. Uska achha time pass ho jaayega.
Ishant: Thank you Dhoni bhai. At least my Australia tour will be extended. Bondi beach, here I come.
MSD: Which brings us to the batting. No-hit, errr.. I mean Rohit. I know it is against your ethics to score big more than once in a year. But take one for the team, man. We need big hundreds from you. No fishing outside the offstump.
Rohit: Saala sab mujhe blame karte hai. What about this Shikhar? Even in the nets, he practices twirling his moustache more than I practice getting out.
MSD: Enough fighting you two. Shikhar, shave off your beard. Call Dravid. He is the brand ambassador for Gillette, he will arrange for free shaving kits for you until retirement. And while you are at it, pick up some footwork skills too.
(At this point, Jadeja covers his beard.)
MSD: Suresh, you will play in the CSK jersey tomorrow. That will ensure our team score crosses 100.
Suresh: Thank you Dhoni bhai. Tussi great ho.
MSD: Ajinkya, watching you bat is like watching an art film. All technique, little action. Aur tu Rayadu, you better perform in this tournament. Nahi toh Yuvraj aur Robin teri le lenge.
Ambati: Don’t you worry, my mom’s Hyderabadi biryani will take care of them.
MSD: Oye, biryani comes to our hotel first! Or else, I’ll open the innings with you and make sure you never get the strike. Remember last year? And now we come to the pretenders. Sorry I meant allrounders. Jadeja, Stuart, Ashwin. Between the three of you, you have to get 150 runs.
Stuart: That is too much. Don’t forget I am from the management quota.
MSD: Calm down. I meant 150 runs when you guys bowl. Your average otherwise is much higher.
(Hearing this, Jadeja gives MSD a bearhug.)
MSD: Itna emotional mat ban saale, remember you are called ‘Sir’. Behave like one. Achha, fielding ka kya karna hai? Suresh, you will stand in front of Ashwin. Virat, you cover Mohit. Baaki log, manage kar lo.
All the rest: We will, we will.
(At this point, Ravi Shastri walks in holding a microphone, having forgotten that he is off the camera and is now the director of the team.)
Ravi: Well MS, it’s been a tough tour for you. To my disappointment, none of the matches have gone to the wire. And I’m missing the tracer bullet shots, the pressure cooker situations. For how long will I keep repeating ‘Edgedddddd.. and taken’ when you guys bat? You have not even been tickling the scorers. And the last time I said ‘He has taken the aerial route’ was when your flight landed here.
MSD: Bakwaas band kar yaar, what’s your point?
Ravi: Well, I got my hands on Sidhu’s book of stupidisms last month. Have been itching to use those during your matches, but the games just don’t last that long.
MSD: Chill buddy. IPL is coming soon. You will get enough time on air then. I will also retire midway during our last league match against Zimbabwe, so even I will have time for a commentator’s job. Will come to you for coaching lessons soon.
Ravi: That’s just what the doctor ordered. As always, the IPL will have an electrifying atmosphere, the crowds will get their money’s worth. And remember, the IPL auction is just a day after your match against Pakistan. So the batsmen need to get some runs and the bowlers need to pick up wickets.
Everyone: Yay, just 2 more months for the IPL. Cheers!