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Pakistan declares its fielders as “non-state actors” after losing to Australia

20, Mar 2015 By Pagal Patrakar

Islamabad. After losing to Australia in the ICC World Cup Quarter Final match, Pakistan Cricket Board has declared that all its fielders were “non state actors” and the board or the team was not responsible for their actions.

The declaration came after an emergency round of meeting of officials and players, who had assembled to find an external factor that they could blame for their performance in the cup, thus escaping the fury of fans back in Pakistan and that of Shoaib Akhtar in India.

“We could have blamed the bookies, but these days no one believes us on that front,” a PCB official told Faking News, “We thought to blame umpiring like Bangladesh did yesterday, but there were no horrible umpiring decisions.”

Pakistani fielder dropping catch
An unidentified non-state actor in action

“We even thought of blaming Israel or Ajit Doval, but we couldn’t find a convincing way to link them,” the official added.

“We realized that it was very difficult to find a reason for our defeat other than our fielding,” he continued, “And the only thing left was to somehow prove that our fielding was an external factor.”

Faced with this challenge, PCB went back to the tried and tasted way of coming up with “non-state actor” model.

“Our team comprises only of Bowlers and Batsmen, and one disputed Wicket-keeper,” the PCB official declared, “We don’t have any fielders in our team. If you see any fielder on a ground in a cricket match involving Pakistan, please consider him a non-state actor.”

With this adoption of motion declaring fielders as non-state actors, Pakistan has argued that its team performed very well, and they could have progressed to the Semi Final stage if two non-state actors had not dropped two crucial catches off Wahab Riaz’s bowling.

“It will be foolish to think that our team trains these non-state actors,” the PCB official retorted when asked who was behind those non-state actors in Pakistani jerseys, “It is clear that someone in the BCCI is doing this.”

Meanwhile Misbah-ul-Haq has requested the government of Pakistan to declare Shoaib Akhtar a “non-state” actor too.