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Group of Ministers to help India win 2022 FIFA World Cup

11, Jun 2010 By William Fakespeare

New Delhi. Even though the National Advisory Council (NAC) meeting on using Army against Naxals remained inconclusive, trusted sources indicate that Chairman Ms. Sonia Gandhi had finalized a strategy to revamp Indian football. With FIFA World Cup in the air and Italy being the defending champions as well as her country of birth, Ms. Gandhi wants to score a goal in this area and add another feather in the UPA government’s cap.

“India had qualified to take part in the FIFA World Cup way back in 1950, but we couldn’t take part because our players didn’t like wearing boots.” she recalled, adding “Also, we didn’t have enough money to travel to Brazil. Now that we have enough boots and money, we need a plan to qualify for the cup.”

Sources inform that the grand plan to revamp Indian football involves installing a GoM (Group of Ministers) to look into the matter. But unlike other GoMs, like the one recently formed on the Bhopal Gas Tragedy, this particular group will have Ministers actually discharging duties assigned to them.

NAC has decided that key Ministers would be appointed as coaches, and the tradition of having one coach, usually a foreigner, will be done away with. To build team spirit, there would be not one but four separate coaches – for the forward-line, for mid-fielders, for full-backs and for the goalkeepers. Even before media could come up with rumors about the possible coaches, NAC nipped them in bud with announcement of the names of various Ministers for the job.

President's XI
Keeping with the protocol of entrusting important tasks to the head of the state, the President will get a photograph clicked with the team

Finance Minister Pranob-da, being a blue blooded Bong, would coach the forwards. Being skilled in troubleshooting, he would teach them to shoot goals and not themselves. Mid-fielders will be coached by Home Minister P Chidambaram as he is there yet not there, neither backward not forward, and cannot be pinned to any one spot.

The full-backs responsible for foiling raids and distributing passes will be coached by the Maratha strongman, Agriculture Minister and Public Distribution expert Sharad Pawar. The defenders of our goal posts, will be coached, naturally by Defense Minister, AK “47” Anthony. Special clothings, like a strap on pads-cum-dhoti, are being designed for the Minister by the Defense labs.

Every team needs support staff and the NAC had fixed responsibilities for the same too. Cheerleaders will be trained and recruited by Mamata-di, Renuka Chowdhary and Ambika Soni. Mamata-di is free to operate form Kolkata. Physical training advisor’s post has been awarded to N D Tiwari, with emphasis on the special push-ups he had patented recently in Hyderabad’s Raj Bhavan.

Transport will be handled by another veteran Arjun Singh, who could successfully arrange for the travel needs of Union Carbide’s Warren Anderson at a very short notice when he was the Chief Minister of Madhya Pradesh.

Public Relations will be handled by Abhishek Manu Singhvi, who is known to enjoy close relationships with Javier Moro, a professional footballer, although it seems to be a case of mistaken identity as Abhishek had been dealing with an author of the same name of late. Lastly, in keeping with our emphasis on the environment, Jairam Ramesh will provide training for those warming the benches.

As far as selecting the players is concerned, of course they will be selected by Prime Minister Manmohan Singh as NAC and Ms. Sonia Gandhi are there just to advise and help the PM.

“I would be happy if Rahul (Gandhi) helped me in the selection of players.” PM reacted after he was presented the grand plan to win the 2022 FIFA World Cup.