Sydney. Following two test match loss and overall series defeat for Indian Cricket team in Australia, the team has decided to make several changes to escape all attacks unscathed.
Speaking to Faking News after the match, Indian team manager, Prem Nath, said, “We have to brace ourselves for the next few days, when every Amar, Akbar and Anthony will rip us apart in tea stalls, twitter and television. They will give expert opinion on how to play shots and how to win matches. We have to bear such tortures until we lose yet another match, after which we will get used to such criticism. But, our players might get tired of criticism and it might end up as disaster for the upcoming World Cup.”
He continued, “So, in order to protect our players from criticism, and to even let people support them in event of disastrous losses, we have come up with a new plan. We are going to declare Indian Cricket team a ‘race’ and anyone criticizing our cricket team, even if it be constructive criticism, will be branded as a racist.”
“Nobody will desire to be called a racist and so nobody will dare criticize us. This will prove to be an insulation for our players from being questioned, and also nobody will dare to attack their homes with stones,” he explained the benefits, “Even during the matches, when umpire doesn’t raise his hands to give wicket while we bowl, we will call it racism and will do ‘hands up, dont scoot’ protest. We have already got approval from International Cricket Council.”
Die-hard Indian cricket fans and TV commentators have welcomed the step.
An expert on cricket and an ardent fan of Indian team, added, “Not only that, we need to coin a new term called ‘IndoCrickoPhobia’. Anyone who criticizes Indian team will be branded as ‘IndoCrickoPhobic’ and it will be a legal offence punishable with prison sentence. Be it news channels or even within your home, IndoCrickoPhobia will never be tolerated.”
“For example, if Suresh Raina scores duck, then other team players instead of mocking him, will trend #IllDuckwithyou and get themselves out with no score,” the expert explained how this strategy will play out.
There were celebrations in the dressing room and Rohit Sharma was seen shaking a champagne bottle after the decision. “Now no one will question my form. Not even Faking News can mock me now. Anyone who makes fun of me would be a racist. Haha!” he told this reporter.
A cricket player who happens to be captain and recently retired from test cricket, told us, on conditions of severe anonymity, “This will be relief for people who are being cornered after the Mudgal Commission report. We can claim that Mudgal is racist for cornering us and that just because few cricketers are involved in match fixing, it doesn’t mean the whole Indian team is doing match fixing!”
“Also, we can hold position in cement companies too. Nobody can question us. Hehe!” the player added.
Sources confirm that the decision has already started helping Indian team. Hearing the reports of Indian team being a race, Australian newspapers are already scared to write on Indian cricket team’s loss as they were already labeled as racist who target Indians.
“This is just what the doctor ordered,” Ravi Shastri said when asked for his views.