Mumbai. Cricket will now officially be a batsman’s game. ICC has decided to do away with bowlers in the game and replace these fixing fellows with honest bowling machines.
“In the last few years, all cases of match-fixing or spot-fixing have seen involvement of either bowlers or captains of a cricket team. So we have decided to do away with bowlers, which also makes the role of a captain far less important,” ICC President Alan Isaac told Faking News.
Without being asked, Isaac clarified that the decision was taken independently and BCCI had not asked them to introduce this revolutionary and radical change in the basic structure of the game.
As a result, all first-class cricket matches played after 16th May will see batsmen hitting balls delivered by machines, something that is seen during the IPL as part of the “Super Sixes” competition.
“Cricket fans have hugely appreciated the Super Sixes competition and we think that fans, especially those in India, will not miss the bowlers,” the ICC President claimed.
Sources inform that ICC considered other options too to eliminate the problem of spot-fixing, one of them being “Optimum Confusion Method” (OCM) suggested by mathematician-statistician duo Luckworth-Dewis.
OCM works by scrambling the order of the overs and balls bowled in a match, so that no one, not even the captain, knows which over is being bowled by which bowler until the end of the game. In fact, a single over could be bowled jointly by more than one bowler and thus a bowler, acting independently, would not be able to fix the number of runs conceded in an over.
“We liked the solution, but it could have created too much of confusion and cricket would have found it difficult to find new fans and followers. So we opted for the simplest solution – no bowlers,” Isaac explained.
BCCI, not too eager to adopt technology on earlier occasions, has welcomed the ICC’s decision and has hoped that the step will clean the game.
“Bowlers are the problem. They are dirty guys who abuse batsmen, spit on grounds, rub their crotchets with balls, and indulge in other corrupt activities. This is a welcome step by the ICC,” a BCCI sponsored cricket expert and critic told a TV channel.
The only body to openly oppose the ICC’s decision has been PCB (Pakistan Cricket Board).
“Our core-competence include having good bowlers and leading in match-fixing. This step takes away both of those advantages from us. Pakistan will never accept it,” PCB President Asif Ali Zardari said.
But when Faking News called a bookie in Lahore, he appeared unconcerned by the new rule. “It’s just another machine and ball job,” he explained, adding that “Every roulette wheel in Vegas is fixed.”
Meanwhile, sources confirm that IPL has already started preparations to adopt the new rule.
“Each franchise will bid for a bowling machine at the start of the season in an auction. The top of the range West Indies 1975+ model, with a top speed of 100mph and built in reggae sound system, is expected to be the costliest machine in IPL-7,” IPL chief Rajiv Shukla said.
Shukla further informed that only limited number of foreign bowling machines will be allowed. Keeping with the IPL policy, machines manufactured in Pakistan will not be allowed at all.
(Some vital spots in the above report were fixed by Faking News correspondent Simon)