Mumbai. The BCCI has announced that it has hired the CERN Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland for the past two weeks to investigate swing. The cost of hiring the massive subterranean particle physics laboratory and sending a team of white clad scientists to Europe was allegedly paid for with the money IPL teams saved by not buying Pakistani players and undisclosed “donations” by the Kochi franchise.
“We shined one side of an electron for a week and scuffed up the other side when the boss wasn’t looking,” said Amit Singh, a scientist at CERN, “although Saurabh was sent home yesterday when he was caught picking at it. It’s just bad science. Besides, it’s to be expected: his granddad is from Pakistan.”
After 15 overs (and five extras) the team had calculated the perfect conditions for optimum swing bowling.
“We experimented with velocities and atmospheric conditions,” explained chief scientist, Gautham Rana, “optimum swing is achieved at 140% humidity, 140C, which is not far off Delhi in the summer.”
The equation for the perfect swing delivery has been delivered to S Sreesanth, who will be undertaking extra training sessions this week ahead of the upcoming series against New Zealand in order to bowl at the 150,000 km per hour stipulated by Rana and his team.
However, the exact position of an electron being “relative”, the BCCI team at CERN point out that there is some uncertainty in their findings. “Our grasp on where the electron is actually going is the rough equivalent of the certainty Glenn McGrath used to have about the whereabouts of the ball when he was batting,” This is “not a lot”, he added.
This being a cricketing issue, Faking News called Sachin Tendulkar to get his take on the research. Sachin said that he was not bothered at teams doing particle research on electrons, pointing out that the last thing he had hit which was “uncertain” and “lacking presence”, was the Australian pace attack.
India’s next opponents New Zealand do not seem to be intimidated by the BCCI’s research. Still amused at TV host, Henry Paul’s comments about Sheila Dikshit’s name, the New Zealand side has been motivating itself by carrying out similar antics.
“They (the team) spent all yesterday on this,” said the New Zealand kit lady, “they noticed that Amit Mishra is an anagram of ‘Ram! Am I shit?’ And Virender Sehwag makes ‘Aged nerves whir’, which is amusing them.”
Meanwhile critics have questioned the decision to spend an estimated Rs.100 crores on this research (which still can’t explain reverse swing) when an Indian space programme is in the pipeline.
“Why do we need a space programme,” exclaimed Rana, “we all know the moon is a lifeless lump of rock. We don’t need to go up there to confirm that! Who do you think we are? The US? We can build our national confidence through sport, which the US can’t do ‘cos no one else wants to play them at their boring games.”
A controversy is also brewing around the experiment with Hyderabad Ranji team accusing debutant Deepak Chahar of “stealing” the “perfect equation” and using that in their Ranji Trophy match. Chahar, playing for Rajasthan, claimed a magical figure of 8-10 as Hyderabad team was all out for 21 runs. Hyderabad team management believes that the Rajasthan pacer stole the perfect equation from S Sreesanth’s hotel room, when Sreesanth was busy with his dance sessions.
Chahar has denied the charges claiming he had done his own research and had arrived at the same equation using peanuts and a drain pipe.