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Afraid of earthquake causing cracks on pitches, Australia wants World Cup deferred

21, Jan 2011 By Simon

Melbourne, Australia. Cricket Australia is believed to have asked the ICC to defer the 2011 World Cup by a few months as the board believes that the recent earthquake has made the conditions “unfairly favorable” to the hosts by causing cracks to appear on the sub-continent pitches, thus making them “too turny”. This after the Indian cricket team took responsibility for the earthquake that jolted parts of India and Pakistan.

The tremors, which dislodged bails all over North India at 2.00 AM on Wednesday, was an “act of God” caused by the constant prayers of spinners Harbhajan Singh, Piyush Chawla and R. Ashwin, team sources claim. The spin trio has spent the past month calling for divine intervention to open up cracks in the stadium pitches and thus justify their inclusion in the World Cup squad.

Cracks on a cricket pitch
Cracks that appeared on Firoz Shah Kotla pitch (Inset: Harbhajan Singh celebrating the cracks)

“They did a detailed cost-benefit analysis,” said a team spokesman, “they concluded that for most Indians, the benefits of a World Cup win would outweigh the costs of a small natural disaster. Everyone remembers 1983, but what about the floods that year? Who remembers them?”

He claimed that anyone killed, injured or suffering a financial loss due to the quake would have been a “world cup hero”. “Fortunately there were no costs involved, as the quake didn’t cause any damages,” he added, “but we are hopeful of the benefits.”

Sources inform that a secret meeting between the three Indian spinners and seismologists had concluded that an epicenter in desert areas of Pakistan could result in minimum losses and maximum gain.

“Yes, large cracks have opened up at the National Stadium in Karachi too, but they are of little use to our bowlers as no World Cup matches are taking place in Pakistan,” a PCB spokesperson confirmed, “Worse, the security analysts are warning that they will provide good hiding places for LeT.”

Sources further pointed out that the pitches in Bangaldesh and Sri Lanka were left untouched with the tremors, which proved that Indian spinners were absolutely accurate in their planning.

“The divine always hits the target,” said Piyush Chawla, attributing this immaculate planning to the almighty, “God doesn’t bowl wides.”

The cracks at Delhi’s Firoz Shah Kotla Stadium will be cleaned by ground staff until the WC begins. A temporary “crack cleaner” position is being advertised. Faking News understands that Brian Lara has signaled his availability, which has increased Australian concerns.

Several commentators have suggested that the Australian team could also try divine intervention to reverse their recent decline. But this has been dismissed by Cricket Australia.

“That wouldn’t be enough,” said a spokesman of the Australian cricket board. The spokesman summarily rejected Faking News’ suggestion of trying human sacrifice in shape of Ricky Ponting as “outrageous” and “disgusting”.