Gurgaon. Local resident Ramesh Kumar attempted suicide yesterday by jumping from his 3rd storey balcony. He is now recovering at home from minor bruises and a fracture of the forearm. In his latest tweet to his two followers on twitter, he has specifically blamed telemarketers who failed to send him one single SMS for the last two whole days.
Sources report that Ramesh has been battling extreme feelings of unwantedness ever since his ex-girlfriend left him four months ago and stopped forwarding him cute romantic couplets on SMS. When he lost his job two months ago, and along with it his inability to treat his ‘friends’ to movies every Friday, he stopped receiving non-veg jokes and bad shaayari from them. Since then, the only highlight of his day used to be the beep of his phone letting him know a telemarketing SMS had arrived.
Dr. Prakash Jain, noted psychiatrist treating him, told Faking News that SMSes formed a very important emotional support system for Ramesh. This was especially true after his Facebook statuses stopped getting any ‘Like’s or comments from his 63-odd friends. Some were cruel enough to actually remove him from their ‘connections’ on LinkedIn.
Ramesh also tried other forms of interaction with the world but “the uncaring world stopped responding to him,” his suicide note says. He sent song requests for “Tum Gaye Sab Gaya” from Maachis to various radio channels, but none played it.
He also did not get any call back from Radio One allowing him to win 100 liters of petrol. Even Uncleji of Radio City did not read any of his SMS jokes on air.
Ramesh used to especially relish reading each and every SMS from builders in Greater Noida, enjoying the fact that some people were even more desperate than him, Dr. Jain notes. Last one month saw him turning into an expert in various water-purification systems and life insurance policies.
The sudden absence of telemarketing SMSes is “appalling and unacceptable,” according to Airtel’s Chief Marketing Manager, Sandeep Guha. “We are currently finding out who is responsible for not sending SMSes to Mr. Ramesh about our latest and greatest ‘Rs 15 per month for Useless Cricket Trivia’ package and ‘Rs 4 per minute Live Bhajans from Saas Bahu ka Mandir’ plan.”
Faking News heard from Constable Happy Yadav (name changed on request) that the police are not ruling out foul play. While it is difficult to imagine who could take an interest in a sad sack as sad as Ramesh, he said, there is someone who hates his guts and got his number registered into DND two days ago.