New Delhi. In a recent turn of events, authorities were baffled to find that a citizen, Bittu Singh had appealed to get his permanent address changed from Pilot Court, Essel Towers to Friendzone.
India TV reporters flooded the man’s house to know the full story. Below are the excerpts from their (over)detailed story :
Bittu, a regular guy who grew up on bollywood movies had just one dream in his life. It was to have a girl with whom he could dance in the rains, run in the fields, sing on the roof and finally get married in an obnoxiously melodramatic extended family function. This is a tale of late 90’s, when this was the most you could do with a girl. As years passed, Bittu grew and so did cinema. This was the time of a change, a revolution in the industry. Romance needed more, the hunger for love had grown manifold. Scenic Switzerland had stopped giving orgasms and intermittently touching flowers no longer symbolized deflowering.
This was the era of ‘Imran Hashmi’ & ‘Sunny Leone’.
While everybody else seemed interested to witness this new found art of expressing love, Bittu’s imaginations had just found a new dimension. His life’s screenplay had changed forever, tongue had to do so much more than just spitting cheesy dialogues, action sequences were not fights anymore, the chase after heroine in the fields ended up in a way it never did before.
He reached college a handsome, ambitious man, with x-ray eyes scanning the female lead. After days and days of fruitless efforts and with a terrible pain in his over-worked eyes, he went to a temple nearby and inspired from the famous Amitabh Bachhan scene, clinged to the bell for hours asking/pestering God to give an answer to this situation. After a lot of delay and with least interest, like any other high authority office, God finally smiled and said to him those 3 magical words, “Dude, Engineering College”. After that it dawned upon him that all he had seen in these days were males and non-males, no females whatsoever. All his efforts were in vain. He thanked God for this enlightenment and moved ahead to correct this mistake.
He went to a commerce college nearby and couldn’t believe his eyes. Pretty girls and dumb guys all around restored his faith in humanity. His life’s goal was right in front of him. He being blessed with super-stalker skills, thanks to his engineering hostel experience, at once befriended a lot of potential K,K,K Kirans for him. Hence began the auditioning of his dream.
The first girl he went out on coffee with told him, “You’re too good for me, you’d get a better girl”. He took it seriously and never really understood the hidden message to F Off. The second one he got close with stopped him right when he was going in for that famous kiss saying, “Dude, we’re friends”. The third one literally slapped him when he proposed to her after spending a zillion hours talking, knowing and appreciating each other crying “You’re just like everyone else”. And likewise, he got rejected(indirectly) by around 123 others. He always thought that he was getting close while all he was doing was falling deep inside his new home, Friendzone. The harder he tried, the deeper he fell, so much so that the movie ‘Inception’ started seeming shallow. Hence came forth the decision of changing his permanent address to Friendzone as it was the place he was reduced to permanently.
Experts call this phenomenon ‘Kuch Kuch Hota Hai’ jinx. How Rahul glorified Friendzoning just killed it for all the forthcoming generations, Dr.Verma(PhD,Failed Relationships) told our reporters. Friendship bands are the new Rakhis, albeit much deadlier.
The only fear that grief-stricken Bittu has now is what if his wife friendzones him. He’s in constant touch with AlokNath, discussing how to have a harmonious family life and is performing all the possible aartis and yagnas for the same . He seems to have realized that Imran Hashmi is a far-fetched dream, even a Shahid Kapoor from ‘Vivaah’ would be deemed success enough.
He has also appealed to the youth to abandon and protest against delusional western customs like ‘Friendship’s day’ to save future generations from such perils.