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Government planning to generate electricity out of Twitter outrages

27, Jan 2013 By notthatmp

New Delhi: With millions of mega-joules of energy being wasted by Indians everyday on Twitter while outraging on various topics, the government has come up with a plan to convert this energy into electricity.

“We are going to provide special typewriters and tablets with piezoelectric keys that can be used to type tweets and publish it online,” informed Kapil Sibal, Minister of various faculties, “The tapping of keys on such typewriters will generate electricity due to the piezoelectric effect.”

He went on to add that a technology suitable for low-cost tablets (e.g. ‘Hatash II‘) is also being developed. Realizing that not everyone could opt for such typewriters or tablets, especially those tweeting anonymously against the government and the Congress party, the government has an alternate plan ready.

Light Bulb
People with no intelligent tweets are often called “bulbs” on Twitter. Nobody knew that they could light bulbs too.

“We are working on a technology that can tap into the emotional energy contained in people’s tweets, and convert it into thermal and then into electrical energy,” Sibal explained how the government was looking beyond the kinetic energy involved in publishing a tweet.

“The more a tweet is emotionally charged, the higher its potential to generate electricity,” Sibal said, “However, we’d still be blocking the trolls, who are always emotionally supercharged and generate more heat than others, as they are harmful digital exhausts.”

Sibal refused to explain what does “harmful digital exhausts” mean and why should it not be used to generate the much needed electricity.

While a Twitter outrage started on the topic of “harmful digital exhausts”, experts claim that the whole idea was really praiseworthy.

“It’s a win-win situation for the whole country,” an expert opined, “While for the urban folks it will legitimize spending time on Twitter in the office and at home and deliver a moral high, for the rural folks it will bring much needed electricity.”

Government has roped in many top journalists and celebrities for this pilot project. In the event of grid failures or blackouts, celebrities like Poonam Pandey and Sunny Leone have promised to contribute with their multimedia tweets.

Government sources inform that the first “Twittomic reactor”, code named Kolaahal-I, will turn critical on April 1, 2013 under the aegis of Rajeev Gandhi Gram Vidyutikaran Yojana with an inaugural tweet from @PMOIndia.

Soon after, the reactor will be fed tweets from UPA’s twitter luminaries like Mr. Sibal himself, Mr. Digvijay Singh, Mr. Manish Tewari, Mr. Beni Prasad Verma, etc. to achieve peak power generation on the inaugural day itself.

“Tweets by aam aamdi (not to be confused with tweets by Arvind Kejriwal) will be fed afterwards,” sources tell Faking News.

It’s a bakwaas idea, will never work!” tweeted Suresh Raina’s nephew as a reaction to the news, but scientists claimed that this single tweet could light a 40-watt bulb for three hours, whereas a normal tweet from Subramanian Swamy was expected to light up a whole village for twelve hours.