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Undeserved Award Return Scheme to be launched, to be named after Rajiv Gandhi

17, Oct 2015 By Mahesh Jagga

New Delhi. Central government has decided to launch an immunity scheme for those who want to return their undeserved awards, unnamed sources claimed. On the lines of black money disclosure scheme, this scheme would provide a window to all those who want to return their awards.

Surprisingly, this scheme would be called Rajiv Gandhi Undeserved Awards Return Scheme, sources reported.

Under this scheme, if the beneficiaries return their awards, they would not only be exempt from returning the cash rewards received along with the award as well as the money or position earned by virtue of being an awardee but also get immunity from the questions on how they won the awards; whether through a quid pro quo, or by promoting an ideology, or eulogizing an imbecile dynast or being the faithful bard to the royal family or by bribing someone or simply by keeping quiet on murder of innocents.

Government believes that hundreds of Academy awards, thousands of Padma awards, several Bharat Ratnas and lacs of other sundry ones which could be returned under the scheme and put to beneficial use.

We are confused as to who is more undeserving here; the awardee or the one handing out the award.
We are confused as to who is more undeserving here; the awardee or the one handing out the award.

Faking News met a social economist Mr. Sambit Jha to understand the implications of this scheme. On our question about equating the awards with black money, he held forth, “Yes, the ill gotten awards are not much different from black money. How different is a Padma award won by suppressing a bribing scandal involving parliamentarians from the black money generated by that deal? How different is an academy award received from the hands of those who indulged in killing of thousands from the hefty bribe received by a Police officer for saving a mass murderer? How different is a Bharat Ratna given to oneself from siphoning off government money using fodder scam? How a Padma Shree award being given different is an award arranged from a fake institution abroad from printing your own fake currency? This equivocation between awards wangled through unfair means and black money is correct and justified.”

On chances of success of this scheme, Mr. Jha was even more categorical, “You see, the cost of maintaining an ill-gotten award has escalated. Earlier, it used to be simple; suppress a news like ‘Cash for Votes’, display  a healthy bias, put a little spin, coin a phrase like ‘Internet Hindoo’ or abuse a right wing leader or even be a part time servant of the royal family and you would stay worthy of an award.

Now, life for the awardees is very difficult. Poor guys have to be on their toes all the time. They have to continuously convince people that some people are bigoted because they belong to a specific religion, some leaders are always divisive whatever they do, all incidents, even their maid coming late has to be given a motive, with a communal colour, outrage on the issue of freedom of expression at every incident, however unconnected.   Recently, one particular beneficiary, while in a day’s work, got into fisticuffs with a crowd and almost got beaten to prove his worthiness. Many more are forced to be bashed daily on social media to prove their credentials, some have to even showcase imbecility in their utterances and actions so that the successors of those who gave them awards feel intelligent by comparison. Chances are many would return the awards and chose peace of mind than continue paying the high price the awards demand now.”

The leaders of Congress party, however, are confused about their reaction. Most of them are ecstatic that naming of schemes after their beloved leaders continues despite change in government but some who realize the blemish this scheme brings to the leader are not sure whether their present leadership would be able to configure the bad name it brings. All of them are awaiting word from their leader who is on his monthly vacation, somewhere unknown to all.