Arvind Kejriwal recently gave an interview for a job of C++ programmer. Here is the full transcript:
Interviewer: Welcome, Mr. Kejriwal. Please have a seat.
Kejriwal: Nah! I am an aam programmer and I sit on the floor. I actually wanted to sit outside your office entrance, but your HR team insisted me to attend the interview inside the office only. So here I am.
Interviewer: That’s fine with me. Please push the chair aside and sit comfortably on the floor. Now, tell me something about yourself.
Kejriwal: Let me first tell something about the programmer whom you gave “Best programmer” award last month. He is actually corrupt. I have done complete survey of your company and the 10 million lines of code of your software product. I have 370 pages of reports which shows that the code he has written has caused the maximum number of memory corruptions. You are encouraging his corrupt acts by giving him awards and promotions, and this is setting a bad precedent to others. This cannot last long. Rest of the employees will not forgive you.
Interviewer: Ok, ok, calm down. I asked you to tell me about yourself, not about our employees. Anyway, lets leave that aside. Now tell me what relevant experience you have for this project and how you can contribute to the software?
Kejriwal: Look, I might not have the relevant experience, but my intentions are good. Give me some time, and atleast I will do something. I am here to clean up your code from memory corruption, memory leaks & compiler warnings, and change the whole software system. You might have sold millions of copies of your software and earned billions of dollars but don’t forget that your customers are fed up of your autocratic software which does not give them any flexibility. I will change the software architecture also completely.
Interviewer: That is interesting. Why do you think our software is autocratic & how do you intend to change the architecture?
Kejriwal: I believe in Swaraj. Power in the hands of the user. Everything must run on referendum. For example, your software assumes that a document has to be auto-saved every 3 minutes. Why? Instead, I will change the software and introduce a pop-up box which comes up once in every 3 minutes asking “Do you want to auto-save the document? Yes/No?“. Let the user decide whether he wants to auto save or not.
When the user double clicks on an icon, it should come with a popup asking “Did you really double click the icon? Yes/No?“. If he clicks on Yes, it should come up with another popup asking “Did you double click it in order to open the document? Yes/No?“. Only if he clicks Yes again, it should open the document. Power in the hands of the user. The user should feel the he controls the software, not the other way round.
Interviewer: That is impressive indeed. We had never thought of it. Do you have any more ideas for our software solution?
Kejriwal: Of course! Consider your customer service. Whenever a user’s software crashes, it sends a report automatically to your support center. When a user has a problem or doubt, he directly calls your call center. I think this is a totally outdated concept and needs a complete overhaul.
Interviewer: Is it so? Tell us how do you intend to overhaul it?
Kejriwal: I will come up with “Customer Darbar” process. If a user has a problem, he has to wait till the weekend. Every Sunday morning, I will conduct the “Customer Darbar” where all the users who have faced problems will come with a print out of their problem statement and start assembling outside the office from 8 AM. I will go at 10 AM and personally collect all those print outs from them and submit it to our support center, which will then take over from there and resolve those issues. “Customer Darbar” is my highly sophisticated, patented idea, which can be applied to transform the company.
Interviewer: Excellent idea!! I am sure it will “transform” our company. Coming to the next question. What is your take on security? Do you think a programmer should write code keeping security considerations in mind? You know, there can be virus attacks anytime.
Kejriwal: I am totally against security. Why does a code need security? All the code that I write will be aam software code and it does not require any security or anti-virus. In spite of it, if the rival company plants a virus and it affects a certain feature of our software, there should be a referendum pop-up box saying “So-and-So feature is affected due to a virus attack” and depending on user’s input, the software will either delete the feature itself, or shut down the computer if the user does not respond within 49 seconds.
Interviewer: That is a mind-blowing idea. Now I am running out of time and would like to finish this interview with this final question. We interviewed 3 other candidates before you today. Tell me why should we hire you instead of them?
Kejriwal: I was sitting in your parking lot since 8 AM today and I have seen all the candidates who attended your interview. The first candidate came in a Tata Indica. This proves that he is an agent of Tata. The second candidate had a Reliance CDMA phone, and that proves he is an Ambani agent.
The 3rd candidate was very silent and even when the parking attendant greeted him, he did not greet back and went silently. Why was he silent? His silence is a proof of his confession and that he is hiding his guilt. I tried to get his attention by coughing loudly but he did not even turn towards me. I was very curious and went to the parking spot where he had parked his vehicle. I was shocked to find that it was actually a huge SUV and there were several stickers of Mickey Mouse & other characters. Upon close observation, I noticed a small sticker of Disney’s Pluto as well on the SUV’s tyre frame.
That explains it all! Pluto is a puppy. Pluto sticker on SUV tyre. Connect the dots: “Puppy under SUV”. He must be a communal fascist with blood in his hands, and that’s why he does not have the guts to face anybody.
Now you tell me, do you want a Tata agent, Ambani agent, communal fascist, or an aam programmer?
Interviewer: You have great investigation skills, Mr. Kejriwal. Anyway, I am done with the interview. You may leave now. Our HR team will get back to you on May 16.