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Most politicians stand for elections just because they have piles

05, Oct 2009 By Pagal Patrakar

Aligarh. In a rather bizarre discovery, an NGO has found out that most politicians of India stand for elections just because they have piles (bawaseer in Hindi) and they find it painful to sit at one place. The finding was made public by a volunteer of the NGO during a press conference here today, although the NGO has accused the volunteer of misrepresenting and misinterpreting the facts.

“I felt that Rearing Democracy (name of the concerned NGO) was being bribed or intimidated by the big political parties and feared that these important findings could be buried by them, hence I have decided to call this press conference. And I am sure that most of you would be shocked to know that most of our politicians suffer from bawaseer (piles) and that’s why they keep on standing for elections and roam here and there. We have long misunderstood their movements as being social service, while in reality they are doing a service to their own bowel movements. This is shocking and an eye-opening fact that the citizens of India must know.” Maasoom Singh, the volunteer, shocked everyone present in the press conference by his claims.

Hakim Faiyaz Alam Islahi, one of the favorites to treat piles of politicians
Hakim Faiyaz Alam Islahi, one of the favorites to treat piles of politicians

The medical class of India has expressed shock over the findings, while various hakeems have come out with open offers of free treatment to the leaders in exchange for photos clicked with them.

But the political class of Indian seems to be too upset and has called Maasoom a mentally deranged person and has threatened to file a defamation suit against him if he didn’t drop his claims immediately. Leaders cutting across party lines have claimed that their clan was genuinely moved by people’s problems and their actions were controlled by their heart and minds, and not by assholes.

“This is such an absurd claim made by a person who is on a mission to murder democracy in India. We want to remind our citizens that no political leader had supported an IAS officer who was getting his piles treated in his office. If we too had been suffering from piles, hadn’t we showed some compassion for that officer as is generally seen in the cases of corruption? We want to reassure our citizens that their leaders are having no problems sitting or shitting.” a candidate standing for the Haryana Assembly Elections said.

But Maasoom is standing his ground and has asked the NGO Rearing Democracy to make their report public, which he claims specifically mentions that Indian leaders were suffering from piles. The NGO officials have gone underground for the moment as they fear retaliatory attacks from the supporters of various political parties, though they maintain that there has been a widespread confusion.

“Yes, the Executive Summary of our report did mention about piles, but it was an abbreviation. Our report claimed that most Indian leaders seem to be suffering from PILES disorder, but PILES stood for Physical, Intellectual, Lingual, Emotional, Social (and Spiritual) Development. Maasoom, being an MBA grad, didn’t care to read the whole report and made his conclusions based upon the Executive Summary only and jumped the gun. Now no one is ready to listen to our explanation as the disease piles has become the center of the controversy.” Akhil Akela, the head of Rearing Democracy expressed his frustration.