New Delhi. With the Monsoon Session of the Parliament beginning today, Faking News has exclusive access to the strategies of various political parties through its secret sources.
Let’s take a snapshot of the strategies planned by each political party:
Congress: 1. Full meal for Rs. 5 and Rs. 12 2. Is Tunch Maal unparliamentary? 3. How to prevent natural calamities from happening when Rahul Baba is out of country. 4. Bill on Telangana (Not now, shall wait for reactions to subside across the country) 5. PM to speak on… “Economic situation and depreciating rupee” (PM: Oh, PC is the FM – I don’t have to speak – no speech prepared ) 6. Stall / Oppose / Postpone / Stone wall / ridicule anything and everything Opposition plans to raise (Ok, what’s new – No plans – just repeat past)
BJP: 1. Monsoon session to be (internally) declared as ‘How soon’ (will Modi be PM) session. 2. Gains (to BJP & Modi popularity) and losses to UPA in Uttarakhand tragedy will be discussed, will not be allowed to be discussed, will force it to be discussed and walk-out while discussion actually happens. 3. Not allow L K Advani to speak much (owing to his self confessed ill health) 4. Propose elections through social media only (No, surprise element – hold it for last)
NCP: 1. Maharashtra CM must be withdrawn (Oh, not this) 2. Raj Thackeray should be penalised (But why, ok, not this too!) 3. Sharad Pawar should be made BCCI President (Oh.. not to be discussed here! ok.) 4. Ok, Just keep mum and enjoy ministries.
National Conference: 1. Full Meal for Re 1. 2. Most Important: Why Parvez Rasool not given a debut cricket match for the country? (Walk-Out)
Samajwadi Party (SP): 1. Discuss atrocities on IAS officers in Andaman & Nicobar Islands. 2. Criminalisation of Politics and clean chit to legislators in Mauritius. 3. Stall parliament on the likely frisking of Azam Khan on a proposed visit to Australia (Oh.. No Cricket matches there for now – drop the idea) 4. Oppose anything that BSP is planning
BSP: 1. Now that the ‘Save the Tiger’ campaign has been successful – let’s make Elephant the national animal. 2. Oppose anything that SP is planning
AIADMK: 1. Propose Padma Vibhushan for both Rajdeep and Arnab Goswami (They predict our Amma will sweep the 2014 polls in TN)
DMK: 1. Nothing much – distribute ‘Tirunelveli Halwa’ to all MPs as Kanimozhi takes oath as Rajya Sabha MP.
TMC: 1. The Railway Minister – what is his name? – is doing NO good, should be replaced. (We have alternatives, if ready to discuss!) 2. Bill to be passed to “bar Journalists, opposition and people from all other walks of life from making any negative observation of the WB Govt” – non compliance will be branded as Communists
RJD: 1. Oppose Nitish Kumar, Narendra Modi, Akhilesh Yadav – How? Dekha jayega! 2. Propose to support Govt, join the cabinet (Oh.. No Reshuffle?)
CPI/CPM: 1. Repeated Chinese incusions – (How close are they to giving us something to cheer about) 2. On Food Security bill, Mid-day meal tragedy, Uttarakhand floods etc.. etc.. Mr. Karat will speak, rest will just oppose anything said on tv only!
Telangana Rashtra Samiti (TRS): 1. Job done – We are on a long holiday.
65 Other MPs are busy hopping from one embassy to another in Chanakyapuri to collect the name and addresses of the Presidents and Prime Ministers of England, Australia, New Zealand, South Africa, Canada, Sri Lanka, Pakistan, Bangladesh, Zimbabwe, Ireland and West Indies (?) to shoot off letters! (Not to promote the 2015 World Cup but blocking Visa for…!)
by @venkrek on Twitter