New Delhi. Faking News has been able to acquire a full transcript of what really went on inside the AAP National Executive (NE) meet yesterday. We can verify the authenticity of this transcript as this was purchased directly from the members of AAPs official sting making body, which is known as KAC (Khufia Affairs Committee). Below is the full, original, unedited, and uncensored* transcript, for your enlightenment:
– Scene: Around 350 unshaven, sweaty, slightly obese men sitting around a table discussing burning issues that impact the aam admi today, like India’s exit from the World Cup and who would win the IPL. Certain MLAs could also be seen betting money even as Prasant Bhusan protested against unethical activities like cricket betting. Amidst the general din, Arvind Kejriwal stands up to begin his inaugural speech –
Arvind Kejriwal (AK): Upasthit sabhya aur asabhya mahoday, I thank you all for coming, and Admiral Ramdas for not coming, to this momentous occasion. I would like to start by saying how deeply hurt I am seeing all the muck being thrown around among party members in the past few weeks. I went to Bengaluru to get toxins removed from my system, however I fear with so much toxicity surrounding me, no natural or supernatural cure can come to my aide.
– Ashutosh is seeing trying to hold back his tears, Mayank Gandhi typing away a new blog on his laptop –
AK continues: You know, I formed this party to fight against corrupt people like Gadkari, Modi, and Arnab. But I can’t fight against my own colleagues. It is against my principles and sensibilities. Hence I believe it would be best to kick them out.
– Abruptly, he starts singing, horribly out of tune, the song ‘In The End’ by Linkin Park, to show his state of mind. Most members put on earphones, while Ashutosh, Ashish Khetan , Manish Sisodia and a few others start singing along –
AK: I can live with many things, be it chronic coughs, itchy mufflers, cold Delhi footpaths, or African women, but betrayal of trust is the one thing I can not accept. You must choose now between me or the rebels. I would want a fair voting, hence I state beforehand that anyone voting against me would face no discrimination. Though in my meeting earlier with Dalai Lama, I requested a handful of Shaolin Monks from him, in case I need to ‘control’ people indulging in ‘anti party activities’. Now if you would excuse me I have an urgent appointment with Azam Khan regarding the plight of aam buffaloes in India.
– AK stands up to exit the scene. Prashant Bhushan stands up with great alarm –
Prashant Bhushan (PB): You gaddar! We raised you, trained you! Made you who you are today! Without us you are nothing! You can’t kick us out without a fight! We want a trial by combat!
– PB picks up a chair and charges towards AK. Suddenly, two burly men appear from nowhere and promptly puts PB in his place. The men are revealed to be Jason Momoa and Dwane Jonson –
Yogendra Yadav (YY) – visibly shaken – : W..who are these people?!
Manish Sisodia (MS) : They are members of the NE.
YY: What? But I’ve never seen them before!
MS: They are temporary members.. like, only for today.
PB – struggling to get up – : This is blasphemy! A murder of democracy! You are acting like the dark lord Sauron!
MS: Whatever. Enough of this shit! I propose that we kick these two, along with a few of their helpers, out of the NE. All those in favour raise their hands.
YY: Discussion! We want a discussion!!
Gopal Rai: Sure. Give us in writing. Make sure it’s at least 1000 words or more. Plus you get extra marks for judicious use of quotes and allegories.
– Meanwhile the count of hands continues. Some members, like Sisodia and Ashustosh can be seen putting up both hands –
PB: Now WTF is this!? Why are they allowed to put up both hands?!
Ashutosh: Why should we discriminate between both our hands? Do you mean to say one hand has more rights than the other? Is this the swaraj you believe in?
-Vote counting ends –
MS: 280 votes in favour, 8 votes against. Damn, this is like an India Pakistan WC match, not even close. LOL!
YY: This is all pre scripted. The drama being played out here seems to be written by Ekta Kapoor!
Gopal Rai: These are serious allegations. Do you have any proof?
YY: Proof?! You need more proof?! Why was our internal lokpal not allowed to attend the proceedings?
GR: Oh that’s simple. His term is coming to an end, so we decided to hire a new lokpal. In fact we have him here with us today. Please come in – gestures towards the door –
– To the visible shock and dismay of the rebels, ACP Pradyuman enters the hall. At this moment, the YY and PB camp realises the hopelessness of the situation and decides to make a hasty retreat –
* Some scenes have been deleted by the censor board despite our protests.