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Congress poll panel blames 19-year-old Qaiser Ali for election defeat

24, May 2014 By Mahesh Jagga

New Delhi. Congress has finally identified the culprit for its electoral debacle in Qaiser Ali, a 19 years old boy. Declaring this, the spokesman of the panel investigating the party’s defeat in the parliamentary elections said that they have come to this conclusion after an intensive scrutiny, investigation, introspection, and analysis.

Incidentally, this boy was the owner of the twitter handle @PMOIndia for half an hour when the outgoing government vacated it.

“We found that Ali was responsible for the failure of dual power center structure of the UPA, mislaid charisma of Rahul Gandhi, sycophancy of congressmen, miscommunication between party and public, and various scams which surfaced in last few years,” the spokesman of the poll panel declared, making its findings public.

“We also found that he is responsible for Prime Minister Manmohan Singh’s silence, charges of illegal land deals against Robert Vadra, and probably rape charges faced by Tarun Tejpal, a respected secular crusader,” he went on to add.

Digvijay pointing to an ant which also could be responsible for Congress defeat.
Digvijay pointing to an ant which also could be responsible for Congress defeat.

“He could also be responsible the missing ‘Our Ideology’ page from our official website,” he further added.

Continuing further, the spokesman clarified, “It seems that Qaiser Ali, suspected to be an agent of forces inimical to Congress, was able to intercept the important communications, letters, files, official documents, emails, SMS & Whatsapp messages, twitter updates etc. when they were between the sender & the recipient and alter them to change their meaning completely thus embarrassing the UPA government.”

“The results of our investigations point to the possibility that the culprit was able to access the translation of Manmohan Singh’s silence, done by Pulok Chatterjee, the Principal Secretary in PMO, and change it leading to disastrous results. Using methods learnt from the movie 3 idiots, he managed to change the Rahul Gandhi speeches by inserting words like system and empowerment, thus making them sound like abstract ramblings of a confused leader. We have a strong doubt that he had something to do with the tempering of the famous lift video of the famous hotel in Goa. Many other heinous activities are documented in the report, in detail,” he explained.

Congress claimed his modus operandi in achieving these tasks is the only missing link which needs to be investigated and they have recommended that it must be thoroughly probed by an impartial, international agency.

Stunned reporters asked the spokesman about the improbability of a 19 years old boy achieving such impossible feats like getting access to classified communication and information and the fact that some events happened a few years back, when he could have been around 13 to 15 year old, the spokesman dismissed the question, “When our Vice President, Shri Rahul Gandhi can become such a great leader at the tender age of 44, this boy is already 19, an adult to boot and quite adept at achieving these hideous feats.”

Many Congress leaders have welcomed poll panel report as a fair and impartial assessment of the defeat and claimed that it could prove to be a game changer.

“This team displayed the maturity, responsibility, thoroughness and intelligence required for the inquiry. After all they learnt all these qualities from our great and visionary leader Sh. Rahul Gandhi,” Rajiv Shukla told this Faking News reporter.

Digvijay Singh, the general secretary of party, was not enthused, though, “I am not doubting the report, but I don’t think that Qaiser Ali is his real name. Anyway, I have only love and affection for the boy, love is what makes this world beautiful.”

Later in the day, Aam Aadmi Party offered party membership to Qaiser Ali. “If one has such disruptive and anarchist talent, such a person is most suited to us. He is destined for greater feats and we will groom him further, under the supervision of Bhartiji,” the spokesman of AAP said.