Soon after Congress lost the assembly elections in four states, the party organized an emergency meeting to analyze the defeat. The meeting took at Sonia Gandhi’s residence. This Faking News reporter could record the proceedings using a camera hidden in Kapil Sibal’s eyebrows. Following is the highlights of the discussion:
Rajiv Shukla (almost shouting): On your feet, Noor-e-Hindustan, Brand-Ambassador-e-Dimple Shri Rahul Gandhi ji is coming. There is no Modi wave, Rahul Gandhi ji got a shave!
(Rahul Gandhi enters with Sonia Gandhi)
Rahul Gandhi: Thanks Shukla ji. We need to learn from AAP, and I can see that you have learnt poetry from Kumar Vishvas. I’m impressed. Sibal ji, you should also learn poetry from him.
Kapil Sibal: I already have a poem for you Rahul baba – “Maybe no one turns up in rallies but your speeches are cute, maybe Congress has crashed in elections but you are parachute!”
Rahul Gandhi: Good show! We need to learn more from AAP. But first let’s find out why we lost the elections. Clearly, I’m not responsible, right?
Rajiv Shukla: Yes, Rahul ji, you are not responsible. If you want, I can take full responsibility and give a public statement.
Sonia Gandhi: No Shuks, nobody will give any importance to your comment. And anyway, we are here for analysis of defeat, not to check loyalty. Let’s first talk about Rajasthan. Ashok Gehlot has shocked me by claiming central policies were responsible. He has refused to take blame, and Rahul is not responsible. Now someone from center has to take blame.
Kapil Sibal: Madam, I think our tough stand on IT laws backfired. Gehlot ji had a lot of non-resident Rajasthani supporters in Turkey, which was quite visible on his Facebook page. But I have heard that they were quite upset about our stand on cyber regulation and they didn’t show up during voting.
Sonia Gandhi: So you take responsibility for Rajasthan?
Kapil Sibal: Yes ma’am. “I am responsible. Gehlot is gullible. Results horrible. Twinkle twinkle.”
Rahul Gandhi: wow… good poem!
Sonia Gandhi: Ok, what about Madhya Pradesh? Digvijay ji, you disappointed us.
Digvijay Singh: Madam ji, this time I bet, RSS is behind it.
Rahul Gandhi: But uncle, RSS is not part of Congress, we need someone from the party to accept the responsibility.
Digvijay Singh: This Jyotiraditya Scindia should take responsibility.
Jyotiraditya Scindia: Abey chup!
Sonia Gandhi: Please, maintain decorum. We have to respect people, except Narendra Modi.
Jyotiraditya Scindia: Sorry, but I’m not going to take responsibility. Kamal Nath ji or Digvijay Singh ji should take blame.
Digvijay Singh: I can’t take blame. I only blame RSS.
Jyotiraditya Scindia: (mumbles something again)
Digvijay Singh: Let’s blame Electronic Voting Machines.
Sonia Gandhi: I think this is not going anywhere.
Kapil Sibal: I can take blame for this too if these guys are not willing to. It will mean zero loss to me.
Sonia Gandhi: Great. Zero loss to our rescue again. Now Chhatisgarh.
Ajit Jogi: Madam, can we blame it on our leaders who died in Naxal attack? We anyway blame leaders after they die, like Narsimha Rao ji.
Sonia Gandhi: Jogi ji, are you drunk?
Ajit Jogi: Sorry madam, I take responsibility.
Sonia Gandhi: That was quick. Now let’s move to Delhi. What happened Sheila ji?
Sheila Dixit: Rahul ji has already said it was AAP factor and he will learn from AAP.
Sonia Gandhi: Yes, but we need someone to take the blame. Are you taking the responsibility?
Sheila Dixit: I don’t know. I always maintained that I was not responsible for Delhi’s law and order as it was under center’s control, or not responsible for roads as MCD was under BJP control, or responsible for corruption in CWG. Now how do I take responsibility for this?
Sonia Gandhi: But someone have to.
Digvijay Singh: I don’t know why are we not blaming Narendra Modi!
Sonia Gandhi: What has happened to you Digvijay ji? If we blame Narendra Modi, it means we are accepting there is a Modi wave!
Rahul Gandhi: But that’s alright mamma. We live in Delhi, which is far far away from seashore and we shouldn’t fear any wave.
Sonia Gandhi: Diggi! Look what you have done to Rahul baba’s thinking!
(Digvijay Singh is taken aback and keeps silent)
Sonia Gandhi: Silence will not work! Not a time to be silent. You have to take the blame.
Manmohan Singh: Theek hai. (on cue at the mention of “silence”)
(Everyone claps as the final blame is also taken and Rahul Gandhi distributes plastic brooms to everyone)