New Delhi. A couple of days after almost quitting Twitter, Rajdeep Sardesai has announced that he would finally be leaving Twitter for good and launch his own micro-blogging website that will be free of any “bile” and “ignorance”. Rajdeep, India’s renowned anchor, political commentator and the male face of CNN-IBN, had found too much of bile, ignorance, and noise on Twitter, which reminded him of TV news studios.
His new website will be called “Adarsh Twitter” and will give membership only to “Adarsh” bloggers. “No, it doesn’t mean people with fake IDs; Adarsh means ‘Ideal’ in case you have forgotten after watching too much news,” an official of Network 18, the parent company of CNN-IBN clarified.
To become a member of Adarsh Twitter, a person would need to submit medical certificate to prove that the bile and acid levels in his body were under control. Only those with “acceptable” levels will be allowed in.
Current Twitter users having a history of bilious and ignorant tweets, especially directed against popular journalists, will be denied membership unless they pass an entrance test. This test will be in shape of a compulsory IQ test that is aimed at keeping the ignoramuses at bay. Faking News got a leaked question from a sample IQ test:
Q: Do you think the government is serious about an effective Lokpal bill?
- No way! The ruling fucktards are fooling us.
- Yes they are! Civil society members are impractical cynics.
- This country is going to the dogs, bill or no bill.
- Whatever Rajdeep says.
Once all the tests are cleared, the member would be verified and would have a “α” sign displayed next to their name, indicating they were “reformed” and “Adarsh” for speaking out in public.
Further, initial tweets would be limited to only few characters; in fact, there would be an option to choose some “approved tweets” from a drop down menu with words like – “certainly agree”, “well said”, “waah waah”, “good night”, et al.
A member would get loyalty points for tweeting these chosen words. The accumulated points can later be redeemed to get more characters. Special points would be rewarded to those re-tweeting Rajdeep’s or other top journalists’ tweets.
Sources inform that Rajdeep is trying to rope in other journalists for his new venture and the initial reactions have been ‘encouraging’. Unconfirmed sources indicate that even the Chinese government has shown interest in “Adarsh Twitter” and have expressed interest in buying a copy.
When asked by Faking News if this wasn’t a direct assault of freedom of speech, Rajdeep replied that he would tweet the reply on Adarsh Twitter (retweeting the reply would earn bonus points). Rajdeep also refused to respond if calling the new website “Adarsh Twitter” violated the copyright laws.
“We have been running a show called Faking News on our Hindi news channel, were you able to do anything?” the Network 18 official dismissed the criticism.
Meanwhile, Rajdeep’s followers on the original (not so Adarsh) Twitter have been shell shocked at his decision.
“What will I do now?” wailed Nerdy Narula, “Rajdeep’s gnite tweets told me and my wife it was night and we had to go to sleep. Now we won’t sleep and I don’t have 3G. God help the country’s population.”
Following such concerns, the Government of India, WHO, and Godrej (makers of Good Knight) are frantically trying to persuade Rajdeep Sardesai to drop his plans.