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Britain to raise Union Jack at Lal Chowk to unite warring Indians

24, Jan 2011 By Simon

Jammu & Kashmir. The British Government will raise the Union Jack over Lal Chowk at Srinagar today after a 63-year-long absence. The British presence is an attempt to ease tensions in the region by uniting the BJP and Kashmiri separatists against a common enemy. The temporary “re-colonization” will begin this afternoon when a brigade of Royal Marines will fly the British flag from the city’s tower and take up “defensive positions” nearby.

“This will get the two sides working together,” said British spokesman, Major Daniel Mountfield, “and it’s a bit of nostalgia for us, hell, Afghanistan is no fun. Also, we’re used to playing the bad guys… just look at Hollywood, we do it so well.”

Union Flag of United Kingdom at Lal Chowk in Srinagar
Few decades back, such flags on Indian buildings used to unite all Indians

The British troops, supported by a team of specialist British Hollywood character actors, will wear historic uniforms and will be growing “period accurate facial hair” for the “special mission”. The marines are under orders to offer “minimum resistance” to the Indian attack, which is thought to include the traditional Kashmiri stone artillery and a BJP chariot attack. Faking News has been told that Arundhati Roy has been doing target practice all week.

Interestingly, this act by the British troops would not be identified as any “act of aggression” as they have been invited by the Indian government herself to “intervene”.

“The government at center as well as in the state seemed clueless on how to tackle the problem at hand, hence we decided to seek external help,” a PMO official revealed, “Also, any act of aggression would breach the terms of their tourist visas,” he added.

The deal for the brief re-colonization was agreed in secret, however, Faking News understands that the Prime Minister felt the need to “find someone everyone can hate” and, with the Australian cricket team appearing rather forlorn and pitiful and Ricky Ponting refusing to travel to Srinagar, the British army was the obvious answer.

“We are looking forward to the attack very much,” said a BJP member at a press conference, “we’ve always said that there was a productive role for violence in this country, at last we’ve found someone nobody likes.”

“For once we fully agree with the RSS BJP types,” said a Kashmiri separatist, adding, “I think I need to sit down. I feel unwell.” Despite the appearance of goodwill between the sides, the risk of “friendly fire” remains high.

The British offer was accepted ahead of a similar Chinese proposal, which also included a similar plan for Arunachal Pradesh. “The Chinese were very keen,” said a Ministry of Defense official, “they wanted to use tanks, air support and 100,000 troops, but we felt they might get rather carried away.”

Faking News tried calling Omar Abdullah’s office but could not get through, although we were told by the answering machine that we should “press 3 for any ideas on how to solve the mess”.