Oberhausen, Germany. Paul the psychic octopus was murdered, says his former keeper, who claims to have enjoyed a “telepathic link” with the deceased Cephalopoda. “In the last days Paul was becoming peaceful,” says Daniel Brown, an aquarium assistant, “there was a serenity about him, he knew it was coming. He told me so. He predicted it.”
In a press conference this afternoon, Daniel said that Paul had a number of followers in his tank who would observe their master’s miraculous predictions. He pointed the finger at one of Paul’s pupils – a “jealous” squid. He claimed that Paul had telepathically transmitted the message to Daniel that his tentacled friend would “betray him”.
Daniel Brown told reporters “not to weep” because Paul would make an unlikely comeback, or “resurrection” as he put it. The body had gone missing, he pointed out, a sure fire “sign of his immanent rise”.
However, aquarium officials later pointed out that the body was quickly removed and is now in the possession of the “local Japanese restaurant” which is “carrying out the autopsy”. “Daniel has been under a lot of pressure recently,” the aquarium manager pointed out.
Despite repeated calls, Brown has not been able to get the German Police to arrest and question the squid under suspicion. “We find all this very silly,” said police spokesman, Ronald Schmidt, “we lack the expertise to question a squid. The nearest thing we have are Alsatians and they are useless at that kind of thing.”
But after Brown broke the news, conspiracy theories have been spreading throughout the internet. Some claim that Paul was assassinated by the mafia after he refused to do blackjack and roulette in Las Vegas for the mob. Proponents of the theory claim Paul had angered Rudolpho “the Shark” Rossi, a Sicilian gang boss, after he constantly predicted Italian defeats in the World Cup. At one point Rossi is said to have offered Paul $10m and as many cuttlefish as he could eat to predict and Italian win, but the psychic eight-legged guru refused to compromise.
Others cite a Catholic conspiracy. After carrying out so many “miracle” predictions, many Catholics began to call for Paul’s beatification; the first stage towards Sainthood. Faced with creating a mollusc saint, the Church murdered Paul to avoid confusion with the current Saint Paul (who is a man).
Meanwhile a small shrine has appeared at Paul’s former tank. Followers are looking towards the shrimps who were present at all Paul’s predictions for “guidance”, claims Daniel Brown. “Paul has not died in vain,” he explained, “he left this,” he said holding up a hand written manuscript, “this is his word, communicated to me, his true word. We will spread it. We will predict everything. The end of the world will be in 2015, mark my words, follow or perish.”
Faking News asked the Government of India for its position on the death of the mystic octopus. “We’re not that interested,” a spokesman told us, “we’re trying to train a donkey from Jalandhar. But tell me, did this octopus do the IPL?”