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New Year’s resolutions of various celebrities and entities

01, Jan 2015 By RT

Faking News got around collecting New Year’s resolutions from various Indian citizens, establishments, political parties and the government. Find out:

1. BJP took a vow that the future election manifestos will have fine prints, disclaimers and a provision for U turns.

2. ‘I will not fix a spot for myself in the batting order. Enough of spot fixing fiascos in the past years’ a few in Team India swore, after a couple of vodka shots.

3. Idea Cellular has taken a sober decision to learn from IIN and to fire the creative department of theirs.

4. An Indian Chief Minister in exile has vowed to buy a revolutionary remote control that combines the features of Old Mumbai and Erstwhile New Delhi models, to monitor the latest entertainment in the state.

5. Yesteryear’s top scoring batsman vowed not to receive any award where he is required to speak. His fans took a similar vow to watch the cricketer only in a cricket field and not in front of a microphone.

6. PMO vowed to launch new campaigns which do NOT require Infrastructure and Waste Management systems in place; the new campaigns are to be picked carefully which would require only photo shoots.

7. Bollywood, Kollywood, Tollywood and Sandalwood super stars vowed to make a movie called ‘100 crores club’ each, for the fans, to be in a 100 crores club movie, in the first show itself.

8. HRD minister vowed to take additional charge as the first cabinet minister for MOA (Ministry Of Astrology) even as Ramesh Pokhriyal vowed to challenge the scientific reasoning behind the selection.

9. BJP top brass vowed to convert all the congressmen, while BJP, as a party, vowed categorically to oppose all forced conversions.

10. Congress vowed to contest elections only in states where they have Zero footprint, to make it easy to defend the electoral results, thus by disabling media to report any further decline.

11. Government planned to emigrate Indians to Swiss and France in large numbers. If black money does not come back to India, Indians will go to places where black money is stashed away.

New Year resolutions of Manmohan Singh
New Year resolutions of Manmohan Singh

12. Erstwhile BCCI chief vowed to stay away from any kind of law as much as possible. Be it Cricket law, Indian judicial law (or) Son-in-law.

13. Delhi based real estate businessman vowed to ask the question “Are you Serious?” only in ICU rooms and not to journalists.

14. Arnab Goswami vowed to reduce his decibel level by at least 10%; if not medically possible, to use technology to achieve the same.

15. IIT toppers vowed never to go to US for jobs. By mistake if that happens, to implement the secondary vow – never to return back to India.

16. Indian cricket team vowed not to play any tests in foreign countries, especially Australia.

17. India vowed to have more open diplomatic meetings with Pakistan even as Pakistan took a vow to have more closed door secret meetings.

18. Maria Sharapova vowed never to return to India. If that happens by sheer misfortune, never to make the mistake of talking about a sport that is not played in more than 10 countries as fulltime members.

19. Indian public vowed not to sell their vote for money unless the highest bid looks really lucrative and in line with the growing inflation. 20. Unauthorized educational institutions took a vow to announce a 10% discount on the capitation fee for the students below poverty line, until the institutions are authorized by the government.

21. A techie from Bangalore vowed to quit smoking as many times as Mark Twain did in his lifetime.

22. Indian lyricists vowed to write more about Red Planet and less about Moon as a tribute to Mangalyaan.

23. The Ministry of Tourism vowed to announce an ‘Indian Elected Tourism’ as a competition to existing ‘Indian Election tourism’. In the new scheme, only the ‘Elected’ will be eligible to tour the rest of the world.

24. Mumbai Suburban Trains vowed to introduce additional charges towards ‘Adventure Rides’, during peak time travels.

25. Best selling Author vowed to write and publish a new book printed on toilet paper and leave a few pages blank for more hygienic usage. Indian youth vowed to read on come what may.