Miffed by diplomatic isolation and being the laughing stock of the world and buoyed by the success of ever mushrooming sports leagues, Prime Minister of Pakistan, Mr Nawaz Sharif has decided to launch his own league that he claims will be the mother of all leagues across the world. The league, called the ‘Terrorism Premier League’, will be aimed at bringing the best in business on the world stage and create a unified market for potential investors who are hunting for world class talent in the field of terrorism and insurgency.
Beaming with pride, a visibly elated Sharif said at a hastily organized press conference, “In my speech at the United Nations General Assembly, I have already made it clear to the world that it is a constant endeavor of Pakistan to legitimise the use of terror for furthering its political agendas. I drew a lot of flak, but when in the world have I cared about that? Since its genesis, terrorism has been the de facto national policy, err sport, of Pakistan. After my speech, I was watching TV in my taxpayer sponsored hotel room when I saw a match of Tamil Nadu Premier League being broadcast. It was then that this idea of launching a terror league, which I have been running anyway for years, struck me. I discussed it with the Army Chief and the ISI and it was the first time ever in my career as a Prime Minister that they agreed to any idea that was my brainchild. That’s what makes it all the more special for me. It was the first time that I didn’t feel like a Munnabhai PM.”
On being asked about the constitution and functioning of the league, one of his key aides, Mr Sartaz Aziz said, “It’s like any other league that is functioning in India. The idea is to take a hitherto nondescript activity that has grass root connection and turn it into a mass phenomenon by getting it into a league format. India has done this successfully with multiple disciplines like Kabaddi etc. I saw the crowd in a TNPL match and was amazed at the size of it. India has been world champions in Kabaddi for ages but the players never got the recognition and reward that they deserved. We have similar accomplishments in the field of terrorism. With the interest generated by the PM’s coming-out-of-terrorism-closet speech at the UNGA, I think it’s an opportune moment for us to finally take the plunge in the league market.”
Sources reveal that the league will consist of eight teams. Each team will be of the size of a platoon. Teams will be allowed to hire a maximum of ten terrorists from other nations and rest of them will be home grown talents. However, the Pak Army will be allowed to field a team as large as a battalion given their huge talent pool. Additionally, China will be allowed to field a proxy team as well. The teams will be tested on a number of skills such as the capability of being brainwashed, ability to assemble IEDs, ability to hide in filthy locations, making threats and courage of blowing oneself up etc. Exact nature of the league parameters has been, however, kept a closely guarded open secret.
“Interested investors will be given an amount to be spent on bidding for the teams. The amount will be limited to the sum raised by extortion, religious malpractices and fanaticism, and donation from foreign nations etc. American aid will be diverted in case any investor falls short of capital to enroll the requisite talent. Unlike Indian sports leagues where talent may go unsold because of restrictions on the purse, here talent will have maximum weightage and money will never be a problem. We can always arrange it from China in any case by selling some sovereign part of our land in case we fall short of funding”, said a determined looking Mr Aziz. It is reported that many investors have already lined up to field their teams in the tournament, few prominent ones being Hafiz Saeed, Masood Azhar Mullah Omar, and Baghdadi.
On being questioned about the nations from where the talent will be pooled in, Mr Sharif said, “There are many of them but we are concentrating on attracting maximum talent from Kashmir. See, we are not a thankless nation like India. They don’t allow our cricketers to participate in their leagues but we are a big-hearted nation. We will make sure that we nurture enough talent from Kashmir. We have our coaching staff already stationed. Seasoned coaches like Geelani, Yasin Malik, Asiya Andrabi and the likes have already been at this job for years and have mastered the technique of generating huge pools of terrorist talent. They are elated at this new found opportunity. To make it easier, the Indian government is providing them with passports, food, bungalows and even security. We are thankful to them for this gesture.”
However, the gestures from India don’t end here. Reports suggest that a number of pseudo-intellectuals, pseudo-seculars and self-proclaimed advocates of freedom of speech have lined for the job of cheer-leading the teams. They will use the power of print and electronic including social media to ensure that there is maximum fan following for the league. Pakistan is confident that the league will be a run around success as far as development of terrorism in the region is concerned and will be a huge stepping stone towards their ultimate goal of “Terrorism Without Borders”.
“Not only will the league legitimize the use of state sponsored terrorism, but it will also give unemployed and brainwashed youth a channel to vent their anger as well as divert the attention from real problems of the nation. The popularity of the league is expected to rise exponentially as it will not be an annual affair of two months but a year round gala. I am hoping that by next year, we can make it a publicly traded company either on the Karachi Stock Exchange (which does exist, by the way, contrary to popular belief) or on a separate exchange altogether exclusively for such leagues. ISIS claims to have its own state and we hope to provide them with their very own stock exchange soon. The only dilemma left now is whether the year round competition should follow the financial year or the calendar year,” said Mr Sharif with the look of a visionary, about to change the world, in his eyes. A few feet away sat the Pakistan Army Chief, smiling wryly.