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Lecherous man declares himself as nation's leading cleavage critic

31, Oct 2009 By Pagal Patrakar

Mumbai. Pandu Gupta, a 27-year-old jobless engineer, has demanded respect and attention of the nation for being India’s leading and perhaps the only cleavage critic. Pandu, who claims to have spent 69% of his non-sleeping time in the last fourteen years ogling at breasts of women, also released a self-researched-and-authored white-paper on various types of breasts found in India and ways to grasp the hidden meaning in them.

“Let’s accept it. Don’t we find men staring at women’s breasts each now and then almost everywhere? No matter how many breasts they might have seen earlier, men still get riveted on the new ones, don’t they? It’s just like a Cricket match or Bollywood movie, we have seen so many of them and yet we throng the stadiums and multiplexes to see new ones. Now if we have cricket columnists and movie reviewers, why is the nation shying away from having a cleavage critic?” Pandu made a pitch for himself.

Pandu argued that not only staring-at-breasts was a healthy practice, it was now an accepted norm in the foreign countries (sic). He thought it was high time we Indians stopped being prudish hypocrites.

“If the society thinks it’s a bad thing, why don’t we see a sticker saying please don’t stare at women’s breasts in public buses, while there are stickers asking the male commuters to give seats to women?” Pandu asked a dumbfounded audience, adding, “I’m not saying anything shocking. Don’t we have TV ads saying men will be men, I’m saying the same. In fact, I’m proposing that let’s move forward and get something meaningful out of it.”

Pandu couldn’t really explain his ‘something meaningful’ part of the argument, but he requested the media persons and other fellow lewd gawkers to go through his white-paper that supposedly had a lot of meaningful insights into breast analysis and appreciation.

One of the Exhibits from Pandu’s white-paper that was analyzed by Faking News editorial team
One of the Exhibits from Pandu’s white-paper that was analyzed by Faking News editorial team

“I had correctly predicted that Sherlyn Chopra would be out of Bigg Boss after I watched her cleavage on Colors (TV). Apart from predictions, I can also grade and rank celebrity cleavages and release weekly ratings, which I’m sure the nation is hungry to follow and it can push up TRPs of any TV channel or readership of any newspaper. It’s not been an easy expertise to develop, but it’s very useful to our society and I’m at your disposal.” Pandu reaffirmed his pitch.

Pandu’s claims have elicited mixed reactions out of the citizens of the nation. Some people have appreciated the candor and talent of Pandu, while others have termed him a prurient prick. One of his former friends, who picked up an ugly fight with him when he caught Pandu staring at the breasts of his girlfriend, claimed that Pandu was sick.

“He has been watching porn movies and he can’t think anything beyond that. He is too idiot to become even a critic of porn movies. You know, for a long time he thought How I Met Your Mother was some porn series like My Friend’s Hot Mom. He is a sick bastard.” Pandu’s friend said.

But Pandu is undaunted by such attacks and is confident that his talents would be suitably rewarded.