New Delhi. Still reeling from the discovery of fake coaching centers ripping off students, North Delhi’s reputation as an educational hub received a further blow yesterday. In a statement given to Faking News in a bar at 1AM, foreign student Tom Creighton revealed that, whilst his Hindi language course was real enough, the language itself was “fake”.
“It’s just made up on the spot,” he announced, “no one actually speaks Hindi, it’s not a real language, they just make these funny words to confuse foreigners and, I’ll tell you one thing, when we say the exact same word they laugh and then say the same thing back to us. They say things like “it’s not a ‘g’, it’s a ‘g'”, when everyone knows there’s only one letter ‘g’.”
Despite having spoken to around twenty locals that day using the “Hindi” he had learned, Creighton was unable to make himself understood, which he cited as further evidence for the “massive piss take”.
Creighton went on to theorize that Indians all speak English when foreigners are not around, only bringing out the “Big Hindi Joke” when a firangi comes within earshot. If a foreigner asks for something “loudly and repeatedly” in English, people will eventually get tired of the joke, or someone “not in on the scam” turns up and speaks English.
Asked to account for the long history of literature, philosophy and poetry in Hindi, the existence of Sanskrit, a large amount of philological work and around 400m speakers, Creighton cited history, “The British first arrived here in the 16th century,” he said, “so they’ve had a lot of time to work on this one.”
Bengali, Punjabi, Tamil and other major languages are merely regional variations on the “laugh”, he explained, spilling his seventh beer, “India is a big place, so you can’t get everyone to speak the same jibber-jabber when they see a white person, everyone gives it their own spin.”
Whilst he did not have a problem with people speaking a foreign language, it would be a far more efficient solution if all foreigners “spoke the same foreign language”, he said.
Faking News bought another round of drinks and inquired about devanagari. “It’s very pretty, all those squiggles,” he divulged, “great for tattoos and tie-dye t-shirts, but doesn’t actually mean anything… that’s why there are so many illiterate people here.”
The non-existence of Hindi has come as a shock to the aam aadmi. “No wonder I’ve never earned much,” said Suresh, sitting in his auto, “I’ve been making no sense for all these years. Funny, it always made sense to me.”
Faking News contacted the government and asked what language would replace the newly redundant Hindi. After rejecting our reporter’s recommendation (Klingon), the spokesman asked, “Who is this student person? What’s his address and his visa number?”
Accusations of this type are not unique. In a survey carried out in 2005, 98% of Englishmen thought that the Welsh language didn’t really exist and last year a survey showed that 68% of Punjabis thought Malayalam was a type of vegetable.