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Government to identify citizens by their bum sizes for UID

19, Jul 2010 By Pagal Patrakar

New Delhi. In a bizarre development, the Unique Identification Authority of India (UIDAI) has decided to incorporate the bum-size of a citizen for the 12-digit UID that would be assigned uniquely to each Indian. This decision was taken after the budget for the unique identification project was cut down by half by a government committee. UIDAI has claimed that the new formula would also speed up the process of allotting UIDs.

“After the budget for the project was halved, we were left with only three options – one; we issue UIDs to only half of the population, second; we issue six-digit UIDs containing half the information and able to meet only half of the objectives, or third; we consider only half of the human body of our citizens for identification purposes. We decided to go with the last option.” UIDAI chairperson Nandan Nilekani said.

Mr. Nilekani further informed that there was a lot of internal debate among the members of the UIDAI on how to divide a human body into two halves. While most of the people were instinctively in favor of a vertical division from the frontal side of the body, such a division was deemed futile and discriminatory after deep deliberations.

“A vertical division would have meant that we gave prominence to either the left or the right part of one’s body. It could have attracted opposition from the leftists or the rightists in either eventuality. Furthermore, we could have been accused of being communal as the vertical division could have been accused of being inspired from the Hindu concept of Ardhnarishwar.” Mr. Nilekani said.

Vitruvian Man by Leonardo Da Vinci
Government will finally notice at least half of our body for planning purposes

“Furthermore, we would still have ended up with organs like fingers, eyes, nose, mouth, etc., causing us to invest in biometric identification technologies, thus not helping us with the lowered budget or the original timeline.” he added.

After hours of discussions and deliberations, UIDAI decided to discount the upper part of the human body of Indian citizens to operate within the new budget. This led to further challenges as they were left with only genitals and legs.

“Well, between legs and genitals, we thought that the Indians were more aware and self conscious of the latter. But being a conservative society, we had a huge challenge to identify a person based on his or her genitals, nonetheless, since this was a matter of national security, we zeroed in upon bum-sizes as the compromise formula.” Mr. Nilekani informed.

Mr. Nilekani agreed that it was a sub-optimal solution as bum-size of a person could vary and was not unique, but he expressed his helplessness in wake of the UID project budget being slashed to half by the government. Though he claimed that since measuring bum-sizes was relatively easier, the UID project could be finished in time unlike other government projects like Commonwealth Games, budget for which was incidentally doubled last year.

Experts have called the decision by UIDAI as bizarre and unscientific, but some of them see it as a clever attempt by the authority to deal with the slashed budget.

“Maybe this has been done to cause outrage among the society provoking public protests, thus pressurizing the government to restore the original budgetary provisions for the UID project.” claimed an expert.