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Government set to implement “one family, one idiot” policy

10, Mar 2011 By Simon

New Delhi. India is set to copy China’s “one-child” policy by introducing a family policy of its own that is designed to increase the nation’s global labor force competitiveness. The “one-idiot” policy will restrict couples to having a single idiot child.

“The policy is badly needed,” said government spokesman Sushil Jain, “the private and informal sectors cannot absorb the current level of idiots this country is producing and the state sector cannot admit them forever; I’m having to speak slower and slower in the office”.

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There have been many indicators in the economy hinting at rising levels of idiots in India

From next month families with more than one idiot will be penalized. “They will lose access to secondary education,” explained Jain. Faking News wondered if that would just exacerbate the problem but was told to “stop asking difficult questions”.

There will be an amnesty for “existing idiots” and rumors are circulating that those classified “pre-2011 idiots” may be recognized under the Reservation policy. Navjot Singh Sidhu has been informed.

The center has already set up a task force to investigate individuals “at risk”.

“After a long brainstorming session we identified the key indicators of risk amongst potential fathers,” said government researcher Anandaroop Mukherjee. The government will monitor and encourage individuals to report incidences of young men pushing the pull door, being unable to find their wallet at the check-out, eating pizza for more than one meal a day, and anyone caught clapping after a film is over in the cinema halls.

“At risk” individuals will be bombarded with family planning advice, services, contraceptives, and copious quantities of alcohol and cigarettes in an attempt to stop them from reproducing.

A small survey in the office by Faking News put the current national idiot level at an alarming 20% (although some people did not participate, claiming to have “had enough of this sort of crap”). However, a high idiot rate is not necessarily an impediment to economic growth and experts claim that idiocy may actually be an advantage in politics.

For the sake of balanced journalism, Faking News arranged an interview with the chairman of the Indian Idiot Society but this was canceled when he got lost on the way to the office.