Mumbai. Exactly a year back, ten terrorists came to Mumbai to kill people and subsequently to get killed in the process, so that they were rewarded virgins in the heaven after they died. Nine of them (assuming the official count to be true) were killed while one, called Ajmal Amir Kasab, was captured alive. While we know (to the extent government and media wants us to know) how Kasab has been doing in the last one year, have we ever wondered what happened to those nine killed?
Faking News has been dying to know this truth and hence we asked our correspondent, who is in heaven after being shot dead for writing satire on Indian politicians, to find out the details about the nine dead terrorists.
Our correspondent immediately took up the assignment and did a Godgle search (a search engine especially made for heaven by dead Google engineers) to find about the nine terrorists, but he couldn’t get any result. Since no Microsoft employees were involved in making of Godgle, our correspondent was dead sure that it was not some bug.
After filing an RTI in the office of MCH (Municipal Corporation of Heaven), our correspondent received the shocking revelation that none of those nine killed terrorists actually reached the heaven. They didn’t even get a waiting list, in fact they were straightway sent to the hell.
Clearly it was a Breaking News. So our correspondent decided to travel to hell to interview some of the dead terrorists. Since the diplomatic relations between Hell and Heaven is on rocks due to the ongoing and historical enmity between Satan and God, our correspondent was denied visa to go to hell. But after a lot of deliberations and requests, finally permission for a telephonic interview with one of the terrorists was allowed.
The nine dead terrorists apparently authorized a certain Imran Babar to speak on their behalf to Faking News. Imran is known to be media savvy as he had given a detailed telephonic interview to India TV a year back. And he surely was very candid and outspoken in his interview.
Followings are the highlights of the Faking News interview with the dead terrorist:
Faking News (FN): Thanks for speaking to us Imran. How are you feeling?
Imran Babar (IB): O penchod! Aag laga ke rakhi hai pichhwade mein ek saal se inhone, aur kaisa feel karunga? (My ass has been on fire since last one year, what am I supposed to feel?)
FN: Sorry for your ass Imran, but it must have been a shocker to find yourself in the hell after being promised virgins in the heaven?
IB: abbey jale pe namak mat chhidak! (abbey, don’t add injury to my insult!) Virgins? My ass! I’m getting buttfucked daily by the Satan here.
FN: Oh! Sorry again for your ass Imran, but did you seriously have no idea, when you were alive, that you could actually end up in such a situation?
IB: How was I supposed to know then? I could make bombs, use Google Maps and operate Kalashnikovas, but that doesn’t mean I knew everything. I depended upon my commanders (in Lashkar-e-Taiba) for all the instructions and knowledge. I blindly trusted them on these matters.
FN: Do you feel cheated by them?
IB: inki maa ki! I feel such an asshole now to have believed their crap. I’m sure those bastards would too end up coming here. I’m gonna fuck their happiness I swear! penchod saale!
FN: Can you tell us a little more about yourself and your friends?
IB: There is nothing to tell. We are being tortured like hell. Well, what more do you expect in the hell?
FN: No no, not about your experiences in the hell, but about yourselves and your families when you guys were alive.
IB: Well, all of us have different stories. We also met many others who were already getting burned and fucked when we came here last year. Most of us belong to poor families and our parents sold us to Lashkar-e-Taiba so that they can have good life on earth while we can have good life in heaven. Some of us are also rich and educated and we genuinely believed that we were killing for a good cause, whereas some of us just wagered and took this path as we were too confused.
FN: Do you repent your beliefs and deeds?
IB: Do I need to answer that question?
FN: Apart from earlier terrorists, whom else did you meet in hell?
IB: Oh that’s so funny, you would be shocked to know, and your editors back on earth will never publish the names. In fact, now I’m dead sure there is no way out there on earth where we can predict who’s gonna land up in heaven or hell, and yet we are fighting for ages now. I’m sure you too must be feeling the same back there in the heaven. Tell me yaar, do you really get virgins there?
FN: None that I’ve been awarded yet.
IB: What the hell! Then where are all the virgins? Man, I’m getting crazy; sometimes I feel I’m in some Matrix, that infidel movie.
FN: You still believe in this infidel vs. faithful talk?
IB: Well, the Satan talks about them before pounding my ass. Sometimes he sounds just like my earlier commanders in Lashkar-e-Taiba. But the good thing is that he doesn’t promise me any good days ahead like those assholes in Lashkar.
FN: One of your friends, Kasab, has been caught alive. Do you guys know it?
IB: Of course we know it. When we found him missing in the hell, we were pretty sure he was alive, as there was no way he could have gone to the heaven. Furthermore, we get Indian news channels here in hell and we keep on hearing about him. We heard he’s been provided biryani and books. Lucky bastard! Man, this sucks! Here I’m getting buttfucked by Satan and there he is enjoying all the hospitality of Indians. I’m sure the future terrorists will not listen to the assholes of Lashkar and won’t kill themselves. It’s far better to be alive.
FN: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
IB: With a wider ass and a hungrier Satan.
FN: Since this interview will be read by living people back on earth, do you have any message for the aspiring terrorists down there?
IB: Oh yeah! I have one simple advice for them – if you want the virgins, stay away from the assholes.