New Delhi. As the mutant mosquito outbreak enters its third day, doctors across the city are reporting “strange”, “unprecedented” and “freaky” symptoms amongst the bite victims. The authorities estimate that up to 1000 people per day are being hospitalized after being bitten by toxic mosquitoes high on the “corrupt blood” of the 30% of Indians who would happily sell their grandmothers for a quick buck. The new strain has been dubbed Dengue Babuosis Vampiricus (DVB).
“This is not regular dengue”, explains Dr. Sandeep Kumar, “the patients are looking particularly vacant and lethargic, but they sniff the air, burst into life and become highly agitated and aggressive whenever a nurse comes near. A dozen of my nurses have been bitten today, and so was I, but luckily for me we had removed the patient’s false teeth as a precaution.”
Three hospitals in the city have reported the gradual drift of DBV patients towards their blood banks. “They were just standing and staring. Some of them were dribbling, which is unusual down here; that mostly happens in the canteen and the HR department”, said Anjini Shah, who works in one of the banks, “then one of them shuffled forward, put a hundred rupee in my front pocket and waved his arm at the bank door, he said something like “uurrgghhh, bloood, uurrgghh”, which I didn’t really understand but it scared me.” Security guards were called and some had to resort to Kung Fu to restrain the patients. Three guards were bitten.
Dr Pratyush Sinha, the biologist who first identified the new strain, told Faking News last night: “Now I understand it. The corruption virus is mixing with regular dengue and the characteristics of the host insect to create a super hybrid virus of monstrous proportions. Victims inherit the corruption trait and the mosquitoes biting instinct. Just like the 30% of corrupt Indians, these DVB victims will suck the lifeblood out of India, quite literally. It’s contagious. Even vegetarians have no immunity. Run to the hills. Run for your life.”
With hospitals struggling to cope with new DVB patients, experts claim that many victims are as yet undiagnosed and undetected. They point to a number of strange recent incidents as evidence – yesterday evening, in a bizarre reversal of tradition, Delhi saw its first recorded case of a man biting a dog when a 42 year old man from Mayhur Vihar sunk his teeth into an Alsatian; in Saket a 8 year old girl was allegedly bitten by her grandmother and fourteen pet shops across the city have reported customers asking for “tasty” and “juicy” pets, abandoning the normal “cute” and “fluffy” criteria.
“We know of no such epidemic”, said Union Health Minister Ghulam Nabi Azad, “we will make plans to arrange discussions concerning the setting up of a committee to decide if there is indeed a problem and only then we will assess the situation. In the meantime, I would ask the public to refrain from biting one another.”