Wednesday, 20th September, 2017

Snippets

Alcoholic man admitted to hospital after mistakenly sipping milk

29, Mar 2014 By Tanuj Khosla

Delhi: Gaurav Dash aka Bajrangi, a 5 foot 3 inches tall, extremely dark, and not so handsome man, who is also a professional alcoholic, was admitted to Gangaram Hospital yesterday after he sipped chocolate milk mistaking it for Baileys Irish Cream.

His condition has been described as critical.

Milk
Drink at your own risk.

The jury is divided over whether the culprit is the milk or Gaurav’s body which hasn’t taken in a non-alcoholic liquid for over 30 years now.

A sobbing Ram Kalkar, his roommate since the day Gaurav was born right up until 5 minutes before his wedding night said, “The last time he had milk was on a late evening over 10 year ago when he was sitting outside a Shiv temple in Pune laughing on SMS jokes and devotees poured milk on him thinking that he was a shivling. On that occasion we had to revive him by making him smell the footwear of those very devotees. I hope he recovers soon.”

Added Sumit Gupta, another friend of Gaurav and an aspiring alcoholic, “I think the media is wrong in portraying him as an alcoholic. He isn’t one. It is his hobby to collect empty bottles. All he does is consuming their contents to make them empty.”

Quipped Pulkit Wadhwa, another close buddy “It is completely false to allege that Gaurav drank all the time. I can guarantee you that not a drop went through his lips while he was sleeping.”

But everybody is not as supportive.

Says Vipul Kumar Sinha, a distant relative, “These antics are not funny anymore. A few years earlier he gave up jogging because the ice-cubes kept falling out of his glass. It is high time he grows up and mends his ways.”

However there is one person who is desperately praying for Gaurav’s recovery – Mr. Anuj Bhatnagar, the Managing Director of Liv. 52, a popular liver detoxifying tablet. Faking News correspondent spoke to him. This is what he had to say:

“I hope he recovers soon else our sales shall nosedive. He is single-handedly responsible for around 20% of our revenue.”

Meanwhile Faking News has learnt that doctors have put Gaurav on a drip of Old Monk in a desperate attempt to bring him back to consciousness.

Faking News then caught up with Tanuj Khosla, its in-house expert on such issues.

“I think everybody is making a mountain of a molehill here” said Tanuj while putting tandoori chicken and jalebi in a blender. “Why is nobody willing to consider that this might have nothing to do with Gaurav’s love for the bottle, he might simply be lactose intolerant?”