Faking News

China eyes secularism market in India, plans to manufacture skullcaps

Sandeep Kadian — Tue, 18 Jun 2013 11:30:33 +0000

Beijing. Sensing the market conditions that will see an increased demand of secular goods by Indian politicians, China has decided to manufacture skullcaps, which has been the best-selling secular product in the Indian political marketplace.

“Elections in India are near and there is already a rush among the politicians to prove themselves more secular than the others. So much so, that even LK Advani is appearing secular. In such a scenario, we expect politicians to go that extra mile to prove their secular credentials, and we want to provide that extra mile,” To Pi, a Chinese manufacturer told Faking News.

To Pi gave this expression when asked if he saw India becoming a bigger superpower than China due to its politics and policies

Hoping to grab the first mover advantage, To Pi showcased a new range of designer skullcaps that will cater to the high end secularism market under the brand name SKAPS.

“These caps are fitted with glowing LEDs, so even if there is a power failure at a function, or journalists’ camera flashes start malfunctioning, the caps will be clearly visible, thus underscoring the secular credential of the wearer,” the Chinese businessman explained the benefits of his latest product poised to flood the Indian market.

To Pi rued that manufacturers like him missed the earlier opportunity of making designer “Main Bhi Anna” caps.

“We don’t want to lose another business opportunity,” To Pi said, “We have already received an order from the Congress party of India, while we are evaluating Bihar Chief Minister Nitish Kumar’s proposal for an special status exclusive partnership.”

Unconfirmed sources claim that China has already contracted laborers from Pakistan.

“No, no, not to manufacture skullcaps. China can produce those in-house. Some manufacturers were thinking of creating a fake Osama Bin Laden and that’s where Pakistani expertise will be of help; you know, a fake Osama was used by Lalu Yadav and Ram Vilas Paswan during Bihar assembly elections a few years ago,” a source explained.

Apart from secular goods, Chinese manufacturers are planning to supply other political products that would be in high demand as the general elections in India get nearer; products such as flags of political parties, masks of Narendra Modi, and mini audio amplifiers playing ‘clapping’ and ‘zindabad’ sounds repetitively.

“We may not be a democratic country, but we too want to take part in the democratic process of our neighbors,” To Pi tried to give a spin to his business decision.

Husband-wife can’t agree on Narendra Modi, file for divorce

Pagal Patrakar — Mon, 17 Jun 2013 18:19:08 +0000

Patna. After being denied divorce by family courts even though the couple mutually wanted to end their marriage, Nitish and Sushila have now filed a fresh petition for divorce citing their irreversible disagreement on Narendra Modi.

“Courts would always ask us to go back and try to make it work when we cited reasons like opposite lifestyles and life-goals. They will ask us to wait for a few months before taking a final decision on breaking the marriage; it was frustrating,” 41-year-old Nitish told Faking News.

However, Nitish is now confident that courts would grant him divorce as the relationship between him and his wife has reached a tipping point – they just can’t agree over Gujarat Chief Minister Narendra Modi.

Critics claim that this posture suggests a direct fight between the left and the right (hands)

“There is no scope for any middle path or reconciliation, the court has to approve our divorce now,” Nitish said.

Sushila, his wife of 17 years, too confirmed the news. “Finally, good riddance!” she said.

Legal experts say that keeping in mind the recent developments in the country, the courts might not have any other option but to grant divorce to the couple as this Narendra Modi “issue” seems to have no practical solution.

“We expect more civil cases on similar lines. In fact, we have confirmed news that people are signing business contracts where one of the clauses read – this contract will be deemed terminated with effect from the date when both the parties fail to mutually agree on Narendra Modi – employers can fire employees and houseowners can ask tenants to vacate premises if they fail to agree upon Modi,” a leading lawyer told Faking News.

“Of course, Modi is not a party to such contracts, but he will nevertheless be discussed during the disputes,” the lawyer explained.

“Such a polarizing figure, how can he be expected to lead and unite India,” tweeted a person, who had got around 3000 mentions, and counting, when repots last came in.

Prince William to replace Amitabh Bachchan in Gujarat tourism ads

Sandeep Kadian — Sat, 15 Jun 2013 09:12:06 +0000

Gandhinagar/London. Gujarat government has decided to replace Amitabh Bachchan with Prince William as the brand ambassador for Gujarat tourism. This decision was made after DNA testing revealed that Prince William’s great-great-great-great-great grandmother Eliza Kewark hailed from Gujarat and was half-Indian.

Making this announcement, a Gujarat tourism spokesperson said, “We had a good run with Mr. Bachchan but now situation has changed a little bit. Future King of England has Gujarati genes in him and we need to capitalize on that. While Mr. Bachchan was successful in attracting Indian tourists to Gujarat, we hope to attract even international tourists now by using Prince William’s global appeal.”

William-bhai and Kate-ben

“We were already thinking about replacing Mr. Bachchan with a local Gujarati face. Names of some local Gujarati superstars like Munaf Patel and Sir Jadeja were being considered. We had almost finalized Sir Jadeja’s name too but then we became aware of the most famous Gujarati in the world, Prince William and immediately decided to make him our brand ambassador.”

Though Prince William hasn’t yet officially responded to this offer, politicians in India have already started criticizing this move.

Senior Congress leader Mr. Digvijay Singh said, “All I want to know is that from where this Gujarati ancestry came up just after Modi’s elevation in the BJP? There is something fishy about this. This DNA report is fabricated by Mr. Modi to link the royal family with Gujarat. Modi just wants to control England like Hitler. He should remember that Hitler never managed to conquer England and neither will Modi, even with all his chicanery.”

Leading political analysts from India have also warned Prince William against accepting this offer as it will put into question his secular credentials.

However, Amitabh Bachchan has graciously accepted this decision by Gujarat government saying, “Well, it is their decision. Thankfully, Kaun Banega Crorepati is starting soon so I won’t be out of work! Anyway, Bahut din guzaar liye Gujarat me, now back to KBC studio.”

Meanwhile, after hearing about the genetic link of Prince William with India, Indians in London have started an agitation outside Buckingham Palace asking the prince to return the Kohinoor diamond to his home country, India.

Animals in Bihar demand Fodder Security Bill in case Lalu returns to power

Pagal Patrakar — Fri, 14 Jun 2013 11:06:31 +0000

Patna. With the ruling BJP-JD (U) alliance headed for a break-up, animals in Bihar fear RJD’s return to power and a return of the Fodder Scam – which saw billions of rupees meant for animal welfare being siphoned off by corrupt babus and netas, forcing Lalu Yadav to resign as the Chief Minister of Bihar.

Fearing repeat of such scenario, the animals, led by buffaloes, have demanded “Fodder Security Bill” to be passed in Bihar before the current government goes and Lalu Yadav returns to run away with their food.

“We chose buffaloes as they stronger, boneheaded, and have thick skin, and thus can succeed in political maneuverings,” said Bakruddin, a goat.

Bakruddin is not too optimistic about future of politics in Bihar

“They are also seen as pro-RJD,” Bakruddin added.

Bakruddin further revealed that goats like him were the most scared among all the animals in the fast changing political equations of Bihar.

“The government could fall. Many ministers and their nephews could risk losing their jobs, and this may lead to some ministers sacrificing goats to save their jobs,” Bakruddin bared his deepest fears.

“We are most confused and afraid as we are seen as secular animals,” the ~~sacrificial~~ scared goat told Faking News.

Goats are hoping that the buffaloes will help them get this Fodder Security Bill passed and ensure that they don’t die of hunger; though the risk of them dying due to human beings’ hunger for power remains.

“Cows too are a part of this movement and hence we hope that BJP would support Fodder Security Bill,” the goat said.

Donkeys were seen distributing pamphlets among all the animals and birds, asking them to join the movement and secure their future. Hens, ducks, horses, sheep, etc. are already on board, the protesting animals claim.

“No comments,” Bakruddin said when this reporter asked if pigs too were part of the lobby that was pushing for the Fodder Security Bill.

Unconfirmed sources say that pigs, though among those who were hit by the Fodder Scam, are not too much concerned, as they believe that the ensuing mood in Bihar would be conducive to their well-being and happiness.

Restaurant called Third Front launched for people who just can’t decide what to order

Pagal Patrakar — Wed, 12 Jun 2013 18:18:17 +0000

New Delhi. Taking inspiration from politicians who can’t decide between Congress and BJP, a restaurant called “Third Front” has been launched for people who can’t decide between a Tandoori chicken and Barbeque chicken.

“Every restaurant gets frustrated with customers who take hours to place their order. They keep discussing among themselves – aaj Mexican try karte hain, Thai try karein kya – and finally order Hakka noodles or Paav Bhaaji,” Nitish Patnaik, chef of newly launched Third Front told Faking News.

Logo of Third Front – promoters claim that there are two V’s visible, hence double victory assured.

“Sometimes they even ask for details of the recipe as if that’d help them decide,” the chef further revealed, “Once I tried to explain difference between cauliflower and broccoli, but it was like explaining difference between Tamil and Telugu to a Haryanvi. Just not worth it!”

“They are fundamentally confused and indecisive, and end up wasting time for everyone. It’s better if they come together at one place,” Nitish explained the rationale for Third Front, the restaurant.

The restaurant won’t have any menu at all. The customers will be just asked “veg or non-veg?” and they will be given something to eat.

“We will not let our customers feel insignificant, and hence all of them would be given ‘reserved’ tables – akin to a ‘special status’ in a normal restaurant,” disclosed Mita Banerjee, the manager of Third Front.

While the promoters of Third Front are hopeful of grand success and profitability of their venture, not many are convinced.

“Confusion is good, but it’s good to keep the customers confused rather than appear confused,” claimed Maya Yadav, promoter of a leading restaurant chain in Uttar Pradesh.

Mayawati all set to launch her own commercial bank

Absolut Screws — Wed, 12 Jun 2013 13:31:53 +0000

Lucknow. Out of power in Uttar Pradesh and left with virtually nothing to do as Parliament is not in session, BSP supremo Mayawati has applied for a banking license from the RBI.

“Behenji’s vast personal wealth is sitting idle in godowns located in classified locations across the country, currently accruing no interest. With the monsoons coming, we are also facing a problem of rats. Lending it out to the needy while simultaneously earning lucrative rates of return on this cash is a win-win proposition for all,” said a BSP spokesperson.

The spokesman further revealed that the proposed Bahujan Bank (BB) will cater to the needs of weaker sections of the society. It’s also being seen as “Dalit Banking” along the lines of “Islamic Banking”.

“Dalit Banking is need of the hour so that financial services can reach thousands of Dalits who previously did not have access to banking,” said the spokesperson. “We plan to give a 2% subsidy on interest rates to all registered Dalits and extend 2-5% cash backed credit cards to them.”

“We will not give loan to manuwaadis,” the spokesperson outlined the principles.

From “vote bank” to “commercial bank”

Expectedly, this announcement by Mayawati has caught other political parties on back foot. Congress is most shocked as this is being seen as Mayawati’s version of Direct Cash Transfer scheme, which would stop her vote-bank from moving to Congress.

BJP was too confused to react, while Samajwadi Party has said that such step would provoke bank robberies.

“We will not be responsible for any law and order problem that may arise,” a SP leader warned.

Interestingly, RBI has welcomed the move.

“If more politicians were to divert their personal wealth from godowns and the Swiss Banking System to the Indian Banking System, we would witness a significant rise in the money under circulation and would be able to bring an increasing percentage of our adult population under financial inclusion,” RBI governor told Faking News.

However, there is a ‘little’ problem. The minimum paid-up capital for setting up a bank has been pegged at Rs. 500 crores by the RBI, while Maywati’s declared wealth is limited to Rs. 111.6 crores only.

“We plan to raise the remaining capital via the FDI route,” Mayawati declared her new found love for FDI that was seen earlier when her party took a U-turn and decided to support FDI in Retail.

“It’s the same policy; FDI in Retail Banking,” the former CM of UP explained.

It is planned that Mayawati’s statues, numbering 45,673 as per the latest Indian population census, will also be used as ATM dispensing machines to widen the reach of her banking services.

“There will be one little change in the way these ATMs would operate,” Mayawati clarified, “On every 15th January, 10% of the cash withdrawn will be retained by the ATMs as my birthday gift.”

American desis thank government as Rupee slides against Dollar

amreekandesi — Wed, 12 Jun 2013 08:05:58 +0000

New York, USA. Over five hundred Indians living in New York gathered yesterday outside the Indian consulate to celebrate the first “India Shining” day, as the American currency continued its rise against the rupee, reaching a record Rs 59 per US dollar.

Ever since the dollar started its recent skyward ascent, Indians (desis, not natives) in the US have been watching with bated breaths to see how far it would go. Western Union and other banks have been doing brisk business as remittances have reached record levels.

There were plenty of tales of sacrifice at the venue. We met people who had been sleeping on empty stomachs, not using toothpastes or deodorants, walking 5 miles to office instead of taking the subway, terminating their DishTV subscriptions and forgoing the daily dose of soaps, all so they can save dollars and maximize their gains out of this unprecedented opportunity.

Many people have been re-counting the dollar bills that they have, expecting them to grow in number

We talked to Bob, real name Bhupinder, who works as a taxi driver in Queens. Bob said that he had been saving money for a second taxi, but sent it all back home after seeing the exchange rate

“Sirjee, a second taxi will not make as much money as this dollar rate is making for me,” he said in heavily accented English, as three other people standing next to him nodded in agreement.

Some people back in India are suspecting that this falling rupee is actually a clever strategic move of the government to get NRIs on their side.

“They are rich. They have traditionally leaned towards the ‘right’ and are seen as ‘natural voters’ of BJP. But the UPA government has been able to impress them with falling rupee,” was the insightful observation of an analyst from a Delhi based think-tank we talked to.

“You can consider it as the first overseas implementation of the Direct Cash Transfer scheme of the government,” the analyst added.

There is also speculation that the actual beneficiary of the rupee slide is the real-estate mafia, as NRIs are lapping up an unprecedented number of 2-3 BHK apartments and plots in Gurgaon and Greater Noida.

“No comments,” said the analyst when asked if a certain son-in-law and a certain real estate company could have been the biggest beneficiary.

(‘reporter’ Atulya is the author of ‘Amreekandesi – Masters of America’, a hilarious look at the sort of things Indian immigrants in the US go through. He tweets as @amreekandesi)

If ministers were babies

Mishtik Journo — Mon, 10 Jun 2013 11:17:20 +0000

Most of our ministers and leaders are adult (biologically) and hence are able to control their facial expressions. Else this is how they’d look if they were babies:

(advance apologies to everyone who loves babies)

“Even FBI can’t find where I have hidden the money”

“Never suspected that ALL my phones are tapped!”

“Oh No! They found the money!?”

“There is no proof that I ate the fund. Why should I resign?”

“Law will take its own course”

“I have already withdrawn my statement and apologized”

“Farukhabad aa toh jaoge, per wapas jaa kar bhi dikhao”

Cabinet meeting to discuss liquidity and inflation

Ready for a bigger role / Ready to address the nation

Policy Paralysis (government at work)

Anti-rape slogan on T-shirt transforms rapist into a good human being

Christiano Munniswamy — Sun, 09 Jun 2013 11:28:38 +0000

Bengaluru. Motivated by an anti rape T-shirt campaign in Cubbon Park, hundreds of professional rapists announced a change of profession today.

Ranjanna alias Rape Ranjanna, a tenth standard dropout had become a serial rapist in order to prepare his resume for politics. He was traveling to St. Mark’s road on bus number 12 ‘A’ when he spotted several people wearing the anti-rape T-shirt.

“I never knew raping was wrong,” he said, “The slogan on the shirt put me on the right path.”

Logo and slogan that moved Ranjanna on the path to salvation

Several members of AIRA (All India Rapists’ Association) decided to mend their ways to express solidarity towards those who spent 400 rupees buying the shirt. The campaign organizers told Faking News that it had been a highly rewarding experience.

Scientists at IIPM had identified areas in the frontal lobe responsible for uncontrollable sexual urges. “Looking at the specially designed logo can block all synapses in that region, preventing rape before it happens,” scientists insist.

A few cynics, however, expressed doubts about the correlation between prevention of rape and buying a T-shirt. They were told, “When likes on Facebook can feed hungry African kids, buying a T-shirt can prevent rapes.”

Nanjunda, a resident of Jayanagar reported that the birth rate of stray dogs reduced drastically when kids in the neighborhood joined the campaign. Chief Minister of Delhi, Sheila Dikshit said that her daughter would definitely feel safe in Bangalore.

Buoyed by their success, several youth groups announced new projects like “rap battle against corruption”, “Flag march against the hunting of humpbacked whales in the Pacific Ocean” and “Newspaper collection drive to preserve aeroplankton”.

Meanwhile, several Congress party workers in Tamil Nadu bought the T-shirt assuming that the logo showing a hand was asking people to vote for Congress.

Bharat Nirman: Nation advancing ahead at full speed

Nirav — Sun, 09 Jun 2013 09:26:11 +0000

India is marching ahead at full speed. Miles covered and miles to go, says Bharat Nirman ads. Faking News finds the proof.

How the speed was generated

Tata Sky subscribers organize Havan to keep rain away during Champions Trophy

Sandeep Kadian — Sat, 08 Jun 2013 08:14:21 +0000

Mumbai. Tata Sky subscribers here are going to organize a havan at Azad Maidan to keep rains away from Mumbai during the ongoing Champions Trophy in England. The Havan will start this evening and the fire will stay lit during the entire duration of the tournament.

The havan is an attempt to please the God of rain, Indra, and keep him away from Mumbai for the next couple of weeks. The arrangements are in full swing at the Azad Maidan where a massive pandaal is being erected.

Speaking to Faking News, an organizer of the havan, Dukhi Ram said, “We want to enjoy this tournament in the comfort of our home but as you know, the relation between rain and Tata Sky signal is like the one between India and Pakistan. They just can’t co-exist! Every time it rains, we lose the signal and miss out on the excitement of the matches.”

An exciting moment from last night during the Pakistan-West Indies cricket match

Mr. Ram went on to say, “Yesterday, during the exciting game between Pakistan and West Indies, Tata Sky was working fine when it rained in England, but once the play resumed and West Indies lost their 7^th wicket, I lost my signal as it started raining here in Mumbai. I almost suffered a heart attack thinking about the possibility of a Pakistani victory. Thank god they finally lost. But I decided not to take further chances and do something to stop the rains here in Mumbai.”

“I talked to fellow Tata Sky subscribers in my society and we decided to come together and unite the power of our individual prayers. We created an event page on Facebook and so far, 100,000 people have confirmed that they will be attending this Havan,” the Dhukhi subscriber added.

When asked whether they are being selfish as farmers in Maharashtra are suffering due to the drought and are really looking forward to the Monsoons, another organizer Mr. Pareshan Aatma interrupted and said, “Didn’t we solve the drought crisis by observing a waterless Holi? Anyway, if the problem still exists then the few farmers who are still surviving after such a long drought can survive for couple more weeks too, no? Even we have suffered a drought of proper cricket, we need this relief of ICC Champions Trophy. For the last two months, we were watching wet t-shirt contests between cheerleaders during IPL, this is our Nirvana!”

When questioned if they tried calling customer care service of Tata Sky before taking this “extreme” step, Mr. Ram said “Sir, you must be new to India. In India, it is easier to get through to God than to the customer care executives.”

Nation thanks Advani for taking focus away from spot-fixing

Pagal Patrakar — Fri, 07 Jun 2013 16:10:49 +0000

New Delhi. Tired, fed up, and mighty pissed-off with non-stop news coverage of IPL spot-fixing controversy, the citizens of India have unanimously thanked LK Advani for forcing the news channels to shift focus.

“It was a masterstroke by Advani ji when he praised Shivraj Singh Chauhan in the same breath while talking about Narendra Modi. It was an explosion that was needed to wake up the media people sleeping in IPL stadiums,” said a visibly happy Arvind.

“Well, Naxals also carried out explosions, but it didn’t seem to have the same impact as Advani’s statement so far as media coverage is concerned,” Arvind added why he was so grateful to the BJP leader and could now safely switch to news channels when he was bored of watching Colors and Cartoon Network.

Arvind even danced to the tunes of jhampak jhampak to show his happiness.

LK Advani waves to his newly made fans

Similar happiness was experienced by millions of others regular TV news viewers, who were sick of spot-fixing and betting related news being shown round the clock.

“I was spooked when the news about Raj Kundra admitting to betting on IPL matches came out yesterday. Last night I got nightmares about Shilpa Shetty being everywhere on news channels like Vindu Dara Singh was. But thanks to Advani ji, who didn’t go to Goa today, news channels didn’t go astray again,” a relieved Aamir told Faking News.

It should be noted that a majority of those grateful to LK Advani were not fans of Advani. In fact, some were anti-Advani.

“Finally he did something right,” Ravi Narayan, a self-declared Narendra Modi fan said, “He should gracefully retire now because this feat can’t be bettered.”

Experts too believe that Advani had managed to achieve something that was looking virtually impossible.

“With CAG Vinod Rai retired, it appeared that scams also retired. India appeared corruption-free, women appeared safe, and no politician appeared issuing stupid statements,” an expert recalled the nature of news coverage just a few days back.

“GDP growth rate dropping below 5%, rupee weakening against dollar, hints towards a political assassination, or even Tendulkar retiring from IPL didn’t make news!” the expert underlined the importance of Advani.

Experts candidly admitted that they didn’t expect Advani to break this TV news reporting loop that was stuck at spot-fixing.

“We thought one of these events could do the trick and break the loop – China coming 500 kilometers inside India, Poonam Pandey falling into a borewell, or Rahul Gandhi getting a new haircut.”

Who viewed profiles of Narendra Modi, Rahul Gandhi, and Sonia Gandhi

Pagal Patrakar — Fri, 07 Jun 2013 10:50:25 +0000

When Narendra Modi, Rahul Gandhi, and Sonia Gandhi logged into their profiles at a professional networking website, they discovered who have been following them:

The top three people who were most interested in Sonia Gandhi

The top three entities most interested in Rahul Gandhi’s activities

The top three entities most interested in following Narendra Modi’s movements

Women banned at Miss World 2014 to be held in Saudi Arabia

Pagal Patrakar — Thu, 06 Jun 2013 17:26:45 +0000

London, UK. After banning bikini at Miss World 2013 to be held in Indonesia, the organizers have decided to ban women from the next edition of the beauty pageant slated to be held in Saudi Arabia.

“We want to reach out to new markets but don’t want to offend local sensitivities, hence we took this step,” Julia Morley, the Chairman of the Miss World Organization told Faking News.

“It was a tough decision,” she added, “But if we can do away with bikinis this year, even though Miss World had started as Bikini Contest, we can do away with women too.”

The option was to organize a beauty pageant in such dresses or to do away with women contestants

As a result, the next year’s Miss World will see men competing for the prestigious title that has traditionally seen women in attractive dresses thanking Mother Teresa and promising to eradicate hunger and poverty.

Men interested in such noble cause have been advised to apply for next year’s Miss World contest, but even they have been cautioned against hurting local sentiments.

“We are making sure that men who are too handsome and hot are not allowed to compete, because recently Saudi Arabia had deported a man for being too handsome,” Julia further revealed how the organization was leaving no stone unturned to respect the local culture and ethos.

When asked if it won’t kill the whole idea of Miss World, Julia replied in negative and claimed that it will only help the organization.

“Our beauty pageants were always accused of strengthening gender stereotypes, thus we also hope to answer our critics by this step,” she explained.

However she added that the contest will resume in its earlier format, and fans shouldn’t lose hope of seeing women in bikini again.

Indian Idol Sub-Junior announced for kids below the age of 1

Sandeep Kadian — Thu, 06 Jun 2013 12:41:17 +0000

Mumbai. After the great response to Indian Idol Junior, Sony Entertainment Channel has announced Indian Idol Sub-Junior, which will start immediately after the completion of Indian Idol Junior. A press release from the channel was issued yesterday in this regard and sent to media houses and expecting mothers.

A child must be aged 12 months or below on the date of audition to take part. Kids will be judged on the way they cry. The search is to find the kid who can best cry in sur. Once the auditions are over, the kids will be trained to cry musically so that they can give their best possible performance on stage.

He should cry only for TV

Explaining the rationale behind starting this show, an executive producer for the channel said, “See, life is all about rejections, disappointments, and getting judged by strangers; the sooner these kids learn that, the better it is for them. The response to Indian Idol Junior has been great so I am sure people will like the sub-junior show too.”

Vishal-Shekhar and Shreya Ghoshal, currently judging Indian Idol Junior will most likely be retained for the Sub-Junior show but producers aren’t sure on Shreya Ghoshal yet. “She sees a Rasgulla in every child and some of the contestants on Indian Idol Sub-Junior are going to be as small as a Rasgulla, we are afraid she may end up eating one of them,” a person working on the show format told us.

This announcement has provided a new business opportunity for the previous winners of Indian Idol (the senior version), who were out of work. All of them have started musical training institutes next to Gynecology clinics looking for pregnant women so that they can train the fetus to cry musically once it comes out of the womb.

When asked if it is even possible to provide musical training to a fetus, one trainer said, “What man, Abhimanyu can learn about Chakravyuh in his mother’s womb and these kids can’t learn Sa Re Ga Ma? The competition is going to be intense for the Indian Idol Sub-Junior so these kids need all the training that they can get. There isn’t going to be much time after birth for that so they need to start now.”

As per the executive producer of the show, initial plan was to have a show for kids who haven’t started speaking yet but then they were afraid that Prime Minister Manmohan Singh may come for auditions too.

Raj Kundra confesses to betting, set for Bollywood debut

Pagal Patrakar — Thu, 06 Jun 2013 11:15:02 +0000

After Rajastan Royals’ owner Raj Kundra admitted to betting during IPL matches, his chances of making a debut in Bollywood have increased. Here is the first movie that he could be offered:

The Great Gambler

Nitish Kumar gave away his winning formula to Lalu Yadav

Pagal Patrakar — Wed, 05 Jun 2013 19:19:16 +0000

Nitish Kumar had obliquely suggested to Narendra Modi that he should wear topi as well as sport tilak if he wanted to win elections. Someone else was listening.

How Lalu Yadav cracked the Nitish Kumar code and won the bypoll for the Maharajganj Lok Sabha seat in Bihar.

Paper used in Sanjay Dutt-made bags turns out to be Justice Katju’s mercy plea

diggyleaks — Wed, 05 Jun 2013 11:33:46 +0000

Pune. In a shocking discovery, it has been found that the pieces of paper used by Bollywood star Sanjay Dutt for making paper-bags while serving the jail sentence, are actually those on which Justice Markandey Katju wrote his famous mercy pleas.

Copies of those pleas, submitted to the President, the Prime Minister, and the Home Minister of India, as well as to the Governor and the Chief Minister of Maharashtra, apart from those sent to various media houses, are now being put to use with Sanjay Dutt beautifully carving them into paper-bags.

“Why should he (Sanjay Dutt) be making paper bags when he can make movies?” Justice Katju protested when asked for comments.

This fact came into light when this correspondent, just out of curiosity unfolded the paper-bag after emptying the Jhala Mudi contained in it, and read the matter printed on it. This prompted Faking News to re-approach the Jhala Mudi vendor to inquire the whereabouts of the paper-bags seller from whom the former had bought these bags.

On being approached, the paper-bag seller, on condition of anonymity, confirmed to FN that he had bought the bags in wholesale from Yerawada Jail. Once shown the mysterious paper-bags, our sources in Yerawada jail confirmed that these pieces were some examples of fine art by their most famous inmate, Sanjay Dutt.

Further investigations revealed that the papers used by Yerawada inmates in crafting work were purchased from a national level scrap dealer who was a regular customer of dustbinned material from some of the most important offices of India, such as those at Raisina Hill, 7 Race Course, and North Block.

“I get a lot of raddi and scrap from these offices, especially when the Parliament is in session or some protest is going on at Jantar Matar,” the scrap dealer confirmed.

Meanwhile Yerawada jail officials have clarified that the whole incident was merely a coincident and need not be taken seriously, though they could finally figure out why Sanjay Dutt had exploded with cuss words when he was given the raw material to make the paper-bags.

“Finally Justice Katju’s letters proved to be of some help to Sanju Baba,” a jail official quipped.

Manmohan Singh turns to Google Maps to find directions for Indian economy

Pagal Patrakar — Tue, 04 Jun 2013 12:44:16 +0000

New Delhi. Taking an “out of the box” approach to the problem of GDP growth rate dipping below 5%, Prime Minister Dr. Manmohan Singh today took out his Android phone and launched Google Maps to look for “directions”.

“Determined to make India an economic superpower, Prime Minister searched for ‘Economic Prosperity’ on Google Maps and then clicked ‘Directions’ to reach there,” a PMO source confirmed.

The exact location of “Economic Prosperity” couldn’t be known as the “Directions” never loaded on the Micromax mobile phone (the handset that was approved by the high command) of the Prime Minister.

Prime Minister’s earnest effort towards driving India into a better tomorrow

After two minutes of buffering, Google maps returned the message – Request timed out. The route is too long. Would you like to see a shorter route? – to which the Prime Minister immediately selected “Yes”.

“There is no short cut to ‘Economic Prosperity’. Please try again.” was the result that left the Prime Minister frustrated.

“Good that Kapil Sibal is not the Prime Minister, else Google Maps would have been banned in the country for trolling the Prime Minister,” the PMO source claimed.

The source further revealed that Dr. Manmohan Singh didn’t give up and indeed tried again for directions for driving India towards economic prosperity.

The second time, for some unknown reasons, he changed the starting point from “My Location” to “10 Janpath”.

“You have reached ‘Economic Prosperity’. No further directions needed.” is what Google Maps said, adding to the confusion of the Prime Minister.

It’s not yet known why Google Maps couldn’t help the Prime Minister get the directions to the destination earlier, if it was so near. Or whether the elusive destination was accessible only from a particular starting location, or whether some special privacy settings were applicable to the selected location.

“No need to read much into it. It only shows that there are no differences between the Prime Minister and Mrs. Sonia Gandhi,” the PMO official told this Faking News reporter.

(headline inspired from this FN 2.0 report)

Delhi police to train Turkish police on democratic use of water cannons

Sandeep Kadian — Tue, 04 Jun 2013 06:56:35 +0000

New Delhi. A crack team of Delhi police is all set to leave for Istanbul to train their Turkish counterparts on the use of water cannons “democratically”. The team is going there on personal request of Turkish PM, Tayyip Erdogan.

Speaking exclusively to Faking News, Mr. Erdogan said, “We used tear gas and water cannons once and everyone started calling me a dictator. We have seen Delhi police use tear gas on students and nobody was labeled a dictator. Women protesting for safe Delhi were beaten up with sticks and nobody was called a dictator. They use water cannons for fun every other day and nobody calls Indian PM a dictator. We need to learn from them how they manage to appear democratic even when they are crushing all these protests.”

People in India are shocked that such normal images have shocked many across the world

“We wanted to bring them in on the very first day of protests but we didn’t know who we should contact. We contacted Delhi’s Chief Minister, Mrs Sheila Dixit, she told us she isn’t responsible for Delhi police. In fact, she asked whether she can come and stay in Istanbul for a few days as she doesn’t feel safe in Delhi. We tried contacting Indian Home Minister but he wasn’t available, eventually we caught hold of Indian Foreign Minister Mr. Salman Khurshid who heeded our request and agreed to help us out.”

When contacted, Mr. Khurshid said, “This is a positive step towards closer India-Turkey relationship. The money we will make by exporting our expertise in handling protests will boost our economy and Mr. Erdogan will become a democratic leader by fighting protests, India style. This is a win-win situation for both.”

Mr. Erdogan is also going to give a “live” interview on Turkish national TV to prove that he is not a dictator. He will also prove that he hasn’t committed any crime and is completely innocent. When we asked how an interview will prove all this, Mr. Erdogan said, “Once again India has come to my rescue. I have seen so many Indians prove their innocence by crying on national TV, whether the charges were of match-fixing, misgovernance, or corruption, few tears is all it takes to wipe away all charges. Do you think only Indian leaders can cry on national TV?” He winked as he walked off.

After trying for several hours, we eventually managed to track down a police inspector who will be part of this crack team to be sent to Turkey. When we asked him what he hopes to achieve on this trip to Turkey, he replied, “I hope to return with at least 2 bottles of Chivas Regal from the duty free.”

Newly constructed road in Mumbai disappears after first Pre-Monsoon showers

Sandeep Kadian — Mon, 03 Jun 2013 07:23:36 +0000

Mumbai. A newly constructed 10 KM stretch of road inaugurated by Maharashtra Chief Minister last week has disappeared after the first pre-monsoon showers yesterday. Generally, Mumbai roads are known to develop potholes at the first sight of clouds but this time, the entire stretch of road has disappeared leaving behind a long ditch.

Mumbai received first pre-monsoon rains last night. It rained so heavily that initially, some people thought it was Ajit Pawar fulfilling his promise to fill up dams, but then Tata Sky’s signal disappeared confirming that it was indeed raining in Mumbai.

The same road last yar

This has left BMC officials red faced as they had promised a pothole-free experience to people this year. The road was inaugurated amidst much fanfare and claims were made that it will last at least 10 years.

Speaking to Faking News, a BMC engineer said, “We didn’t give any 10 years guarantee, fashion ke is daur me guarantee ki umeed na karein. Further, we promised no potholes on the roads and there are no potholes. The entire road may have been swept away but at least there are no potholes.”

Another BMC official we spoke to said, “I knew this road wouldn’t last. This is what happens when you try to save money. They gave us only 500 Crores to build this road. These days, you can’t get drinking water even after spending 70,000 Crores and these people wanted world class roads in 500 Crores.”

When asked whether this exposes BMC’s lack of preparation for Monsoons, the official snapped at us and said, “Nothing has been exposed, exposure is banned in Mumbai. We have even banned mannequins exposing their body.”

The matter has already taken a political flavor with the leader of a local political party saying, “This is the fault of Biharis in Mumbai. I suspect some of them may have stolen the road and sent it to Bihar. We are hearing that the roads in Bihar are improving and I am sure some of those roads have been stolen from Mumbai.”

Meanwhile, when asked whether they plan to renovate the road before Monsoon hits Mumbai, a BMC official said, “Renovate the road? Are you kidding me? We are going to put a toll booth at each end of this stretch of road and charge people. They are enjoying adventure sports right in the middle of Mumbai by driving on this road. Least they can do is pay toll tax for it.”

Bookies fixing Kabaddi matches unhappy with no media attention

Pagal Patrakar — Sun, 02 Jun 2013 16:29:17 +0000

Mumbai. Leading bookies and gamblers betting during Kabaddi matches have expressed huge disappointment with Indian media for having ignored their achievements.

“These news channels are behaving as if cricket is the only field where fixing and corruption is taking place. We have been contacting reporters to interview us and break news about how Kabaddi matches are fixed, but bloody no one listens,” Kobad Duddi, a leading bookie told Faking News.

Kabaddi is not the only other field where ongoing and rampant corruption is being ignored in favor of non-stop news coverage on IPL and BCCI

Kobad tells us that there is a big betting industry running around Kabaddi matches but nobody seems to care because there is no Bollywood connection or involvement of big political names.

“We are being treated like second class citizens even though we work harder,” Kobad said, “It is not easy to spot-fix Kabaddi matches, especially the domestic ones. You see, the players are almost naked, wearing just chaddis, they can’t even tuck in towels there and hope not to be noticed.”

When asked why anyone would bet on Kabaddi matches that no one seems to watch, Kobad started laughing at our “urban ignorance”.

“This country is more than what you see on TV or read in English newspapers. There is huge market for Kabaddi matches, and even bigger market for betting. People bet on anything and everything,” Kobad claimed.

“And you seem to have forgotten that Pakistani Kabaddi players were accused of match-fixing three years back. Yes, I fixed that match,” he made the startling revelation.

“Saala, I even offered to act in a sting operation and claim how we fix domestic and international matches, but no one is interested,” Kobad, the “Kabaddi enthusiast” rued.

Frustrated with being ignored by the media as well as the police, bookies are planning to join Twitter and Facebook and expose themselves.

“I am already following Lalit Modi and plan to tweet to him claiming that N Srinivasan is also involved in Kabaddi match-fixing; I’m sure he will re-tweet and finally we’d be noticed,” Kobad hoped.

Government to replace % with grades to calculate GDP growth

chandan — Sat, 01 Jun 2013 17:12:09 +0000

New Delhi. After GDP growth rate dipped to 4.8%, which is the lowest in a decade, the government has come up with an innovative solution to stop the negative sentiments that follow.

Taking a cue from the CBSE, the central government has decided that from now on, GDP growth rate will be “graded” and no percentage points will be announced.

“Switching to grades from percentage marks has helped reduce students’ trauma; similarly we hope to reduce industries’ and market’s trauma once GDP growth rate is announced in grades,” Finance Minister P Chidambaram hoped.

“Next time, and that time may not be too far away, when the GDP growth rate goes below 4%, it will have the same grade and thus there will be no fall in Sensex,” Chidambaram explained the benefits of grading system.

According to sources, the new grading system, rumored to be finalized by Kapil Sibal, is as follows:

Government is more comfortable handling letters of the alphabet than digits of the economy

GDP growth rate of 10% and above will come under grade AAA
GDP growth rate between 3% to 10% will come under grade A+
GDP growth rate between 2% to 3% will come under grade B
GDP growth rate between 0% to 2% will come under grade C
And negative GDP growth rate will come under grade D

“There will be no F grade, as it promotes futile mental pressure, which is not good for the economy,” Finance Minister explained.

“We are 100% sure that we will get ‘A+’ grade for rest of our tenure,” he further claimed, flashing a victory sign.

Prime Minister Dr. Manmohan Singh, who is also rumored to be an economist, has welcomed the new system and declared its adoption with immediate effect. He wondered why someone as sharp as Montek Singh Ahluwalia couldn’t come up with this earlier.

When contacted by Faking News, Kapil Sibal denied that he had created the new grading system. However, he expressed happiness and hoped that there would be zero loss in GDP growth in coming years.

They mystery over who came up with the grading system was solved by Congress leader Digvijay Singh, who called the system visionary and credited Rahul Gandhi’s knowledge of statistics for the same.

“This will automatically handle few point fluctuations in GDP rate, so be it 3.8% or 8.3%, no worry for anybody. There will be the real ‘feel good’ factor all around,” he claimed.

“Ghanta”, say cricket fans when asked if they were shocked by spot-fixing exposé

Pagal Patrakar — Sat, 01 Jun 2013 08:43:08 +0000

Mumbai. 90% of cricket fans interviewed by Faking News said “ghanta” when asked if they were indeed shocked and saddened by the recent spot-fixing controversies around IPL and BCCI, as is being claimed by many news reports.

Ghanta is a Hindi word meaning bell, but it’s also used to signify zero (e.g. Kapil Sibal saying “ghanta” when asked how much money did the government lose due to the 2G scam) or something that resembles a loosely hanging cylinder (e.g. ~~deleted word~~).

In this particular survey conducted by Faking News reporter Mark Andey, 90% the respondents meant zero i.e. they felt zero level of outrage or affront at being “cheated” by the cricketers during the IPL games.

Although most of them didn’t care, the fans wanted N Srinivasan to go, because he looked boring as a cement sack. They also opposed someone equally boring like Rajiv Shukla replacing him.

“Hahahah… as if I cared,” said IPL fan Zumi Zumi, “In fact, I’m happy that all this fixing is going on. It should be encouraged and not punished.”

“Look dude, cricket is a game of glorious uncertainties, and spot-fixing only increases these uncertainties to even more glorious levels. I mean, you think this particular IPL team has won the match, but bookies have some other plan, and suddenly that team loses. It’s fu*king awesome!” Zumi Zumi explained.

Similar sentiments were expressed by an overwhelming majority of IPL fans, most of them not belonging to Chennai, who claimed that they were not at all emotionally attached to any IPL team and watched the tournament for “fun”.

“I belong to Pune but I support Bangalore,” said another IPL fan Tamim Punawala, “No, not because of cricketers, but cheerleaders.”

“Kings XI Punjab is also good, but Pune sucks. I’m happy this team might get scrapped next year,” Punawala added.

“Yes, even I booed N Srinivasan, but we do strange things when we are part of a crowd. I remember making catcalls once when the train I was traveling in entered a dark tunnel; for no reason! I felt similar urge while in the stadium and started hooting,” said a resident of Kolkata who watched the IPL final.

Similar sentiments were echoed by an overwhelming majority of IPL fans who didn’t care about spot-fixing for various reasons.

Those 10% who were shocked at recent developments either betted on matches or believed in smooth functioning of the parliament.

IPL spot-fixing controversy to run as long as IPL

Pagal Patrakar — Fri, 31 May 2013 13:10:13 +0000

New Delhi. Investigating agencies and BCCI have confirmed that the whole IPL spot-fixing controversy will run over a duration of around 8 weeks, making it as long and entertaining as the IPL.

“It’s been just a couple of weeks, and we have just started,” Delhi Police commissioner told Faking News, “Our responsibility was to organize a grand opening ceremony, and we did that by arresting Sreesanth.”

Unconfirmed sources claim that Sreesanth had offered to play the role of cheerleader as long as the spot-fixing ~~drama~~ ~~tournament~~ saga continues

Sources suggest that all these allegations, demands of resignations, leaked conversations, etc. are akin to league matches of the IPL.

“In fact, we are now into the play-offs,” a BCCI source revealed, “Sharad Pawar has already won the first qualifier match and now we are waiting for the results of the eliminator – whether N Srinivasan is eliminated.”

Sources confirm that BCCI rues the missed opportunity to get sponsorship deals for all these spot-fixing news. It should be recalled that long time back, Rajiv Shukla had proposed selling title sponsorships for various scams by the government.

“So much of TRP is being pocketed by the news channels while it rightfully belonged to the sports and movie channels where IPL is shown,” the BCCI source rued, “But we are trying to convince the government to pay us as it has helped them get public focus away from other scams. It will be a win-win situation for everyone.”

Deodorant ad on TV mistaken as Bharat Nirman ad

Pagal Patrakar — Fri, 31 May 2013 09:15:54 +0000

New Delhi. A man in his 20’s mistook a deodorant ad running on TV as a Bharat Nirman ad, sources tell Faking News.

“You can’t blame me!” said a visibly embarrassed Rahul Singh, “They were showing such surreal images that made an aam aadmi’s life look so easy and enjoyable; I thought it was one of those Bharat Nirman ads.”

The confusing ad

Rahul, who has never been able to impress any girl in his two decades long existence, was impressed when he saw hordes of girls running after a man after the man applied deodorant on his body.

“The message of the ad was – all you needed to change your life was a deodorant – isn’t that similar to Bharat Nirman ads where they show that all that was needed to change the life of a person was a mobile phone? I tell you, they were so similar,” the young man insisted.

Still reeling from this embarrassment, Rahul has demanded that Bharat Nirman ads should compulsively run a disclaimer so that they appear different from other TV ads that propagate exaggerated and deceptive claims.

“They should at least run disclaimers like – performed by trained professionals, don’t try to imitate – when they show poor people fighting with government babus and getting their rights,” Rahul demanded.

Kapil Sibal’s poems being used to torture Sreesanth and Chandila: Sources

Sandeep Kadian — Wed, 29 May 2013 17:49:01 +0000

New Delhi. The cricketers arrested in the IPL spot-fixing scandal – Ajit Chandila, S Sreesanth and Ankeet Chavan are being subjected to a cruel and unusual torture in police custody, our sources have informed us. They are being made to listen to poems recited by leading poet of India, Kapil Sibal, 24 X 7.

Speaking to Faking News, one of our informers said, “The cricketers are going mad. I don’t know how much longer they can withstand this torture. They have installed speakers inside their cells and are playing Mr. Sibal’s poems on loop.”

Sibal was happy that finally his poems are being put to some productive use. He further said that Sreesanth could hire his lawyer son if the cricketer wanted to sue him for some damages.

“They had to take extreme steps because the cricketers were not revealing the names of other cricketers involved in fixing during IPL. Jail authorities had contemplated few other options too, one of them was making them watch Ishqk In Paris but the sight of Preity Zinta would not have been that great a torture. Another option was to make them watch Delhi Daredevils vs Pune Warriors but they were likely to start betting on that. Eventually, someone came up with the idea of Kapil Sibal’s poems and a consensus quickly emerged on the same,” he went on to add.

Jail staff and other prisoners have received earplugs which they use when they come close to the cricketers’ cells to avoid contamination of their brain.

Meanwhile, Sreesanth’s lawyer has threatened to go to court against this human rights violation. Speaking to Faking News he said, “What kind of barbaric creatures use a torture method like this? Don’t they have a heart? These cricketers are getting a treatment worse than the treatment you give to enemy soldiers. My client is so close to going insane and this need to stop ASAP.”

A group of Sreesanth supporters has gathered outside the prison to protest against this atrocity. When we asked one young man why he supports Sreesanth even after his involvement in spot fixing, he said, “What support for Sreesanth man? I just came to take a bath with the free water Delhi police provides to every gathering of people in Delhi.”

An example of Mr. Sibal’s work is given below. (Readers are advised to proceed at their own risk. Faking News will not be responsible for any damage caused)

The meltdown of 2009 /its genesis /mortgage, sub-prime;/ the financial world/ felt at a loss /global leaders met at Davos, /the mood effete /somber with gloom/ steps needed /to avert a doom,/ global markets in recession/ much like the 30s /Great Depression

Delhi CM promises uninterrupted power cuts this summer

brikesh — Wed, 29 May 2013 16:32:43 +0000

New Delhi. Fed up of constant criticism about not being able to deliver on her promises, Delhi Chief Minister Sheila Dixit today made a promise that she’s absolutely confident of delivering on.

Ms. Dixit announced that the city of Delhi will witness uninterrupted power cuts this summer.

“My heart bleeds for you every time I think of the hefty electricity bills you have to pay, from today onwards Na hogi bijli, na hoga bijli ka bill,” Dixit declared to a thunderous applause.

Delhi will not see even one minute of electricity, CM promised and asked citizens to forget about it.

“Can you imagine how frustrating it can get when you are enjoying a candle light sweaty dinner with your family and suddenly the fan starts rotating – blowing off the candle and wiping off the sweat of a hard working aam aadmi? After many years of interruptions finally we will be able to enjoy nonstop power cuts,” a visibly happy Udaas Kalra, a resident of Rohini told Faking News.

Delhi has been witnessing frequent power cuts during summers for many years now. Last year saw blackouts and grid failures that helped the then Union Power Minister Sushil Kumar Shinde get promoted to the post of Union Home Minister of India.

Political analysts believe that by promising uninterrupted power cuts, Sheila Dixit has bettered Shinde’s record and could be promoted to the post of Prime Minister of India.

“They are already looking to replace Manmohan Singh and this could make Sheila Dixit the front runner,” a political expert claimed.

Political experts further claim that this will help Dixit sweep the Delhi assembly elections once again.

“BJP has failed to challenge her. Arvind Kejriwal was challenging her by joining electric wires to homes. Now there will be no electricity and Kejriwal will have nothing to join,” the political expert pointed out.

Even economists, including the current Prime Minister Dr. Manmohan Singh, have hailed this move.

“The number of millionaires in Delhi will shoot through the roof considering no one will be paying electricity bills anymore,” claimed an economic expert.

Meanwhile there were major traffic jams in the city with thousands of electric and electronic appliances being thrown on the roads by happy residents. Some residents have gone creative and turned refrigerators into cupboards, while washing machines and microwaves have replaced coffee tables and chairs.

“Thank god for this decision now I do not have to buy the next playstation for my son,” said Mr. Saxena from Vasant Vihar.

BMC finds secret dance bars featuring mannequins

Simon — Wed, 29 May 2013 08:30:02 +0000

Mumbai. BMC (Brihanmumbai Municipal Corporation) has claimed to find secret clubs and dance bars where mannequins perform wearing nothing but lingerie. The corporation has asked the state government to ban such bars to curb sex crimes.

Faking News could find one such club “The Teasing Eve”, which opened last week. It is home to two dozen full size “ex-retail” female mannequins sporting designer underwear.

Some of the most famous girls among the mannequin crazy men of Mumbai

“We never realized people would find these things so sexy,” says owner, Jayant Kapur, “but now we realize that not everyone is as comfortable with real women as we thought. Our regular customers include boys and young men who are otherwise awkward when interacting with real women.”

In the name of journalism, Faking News sat on a bar stool in the corner and watched groups of well dressed men go weak at the knees as mannequins in lacey panties “danced” for them.

“They don’t actually dance,” explained Radheyshyam, 63, who is paid to sweep the floor and “escort the girls”, “We found a load of old vinyl record players and bought the lot, so they just spin round and round.”

Before he could tell us more, he was called to deal with an angry customer who had bought champagne for “mannequin 12” (known as “Sonia”) and had slapped her when she “refused to drink it”.

“Customer interaction” is a common occurrence, explained Kapur. The previous week he lost one of his best “girls”. A customer wanted to marry her and Kapur, in the absence of some Chinese plastics factory worker, was the closest thing she had to a father.

“I agreed,” he told us, “I got 30 lakh rupees for her, but he was a local big man and I couldn’t refuse. I think he was in politics.”

He would not say which ~~sena~~ party and assured us that the mannequin was now “much more respectably dressed”.

“This is a characteristic of liquid hyper modernity,” said a passing sociologist, “Corruption, scams, spot-fixing, Sachin retiring… no one knows what to believe or what is real anymore.”

Faking News pointed out that our correspondents and most people we knew could spot a real woman from a piece of plastic at fifty paces, to which we were told “Yes, but you’re not in politics”.

IPL-7 will be a movie starring Sachin Tendulkar

Simon — Mon, 27 May 2013 12:36:27 +0000

Mumbai. The IPL series will continue despite the recent spot-fixing controversy, confirmed the BCCI. However, IPL 7 will see a small format change so that Sachin Tendulkar is visible even in the next season.

“The current 20-20 league format is very hard to sustain given all the controversy,” a BCCI spokesman told Faking News before the morning rush at his tea counter, “We can deliver all the drama and excitement without all this trouble by turning IPL 7 into a scripted movie.”

IPL-6 was not be his last IPL

But writing the script is proving difficult. “We’re trying to make it exciting,” said writer Amit Jain, “but after the spot fixing scandal, drunken celebrities fighting security and late night rave parties, anything we write just seems a bit boring and predictable.”

The film will star a happily retired Tendulkar whose Padma Vibhushan is stolen by a many-faced fast bowling demon which has over-run the kingdom. The ogre then flees to a distant five star hotel. A huge battle erupts in which Sachin’s army of commercial sponsors and Rajya Sabha members defeats waves of book-makers and models to rescue the award.

Back in Mumbai, Sachin realizes cricket is his dharma and throws the award into the sea.

“We did consider a rags to riches story in which a hopeless team undergoes a magical transformation and wins the IPL,” explained Jain, “but then we saw the Sunrisers play and decided it was just too fantastical.”

Several Rajasthan Royals players have already signed up. “They say they’re going to need the money,” said Jain, “plus, they’re used to letting someone else call the shots.”

Some IPL fans have criticized the replacement of the two month long tournament with a single movie, claiming the film does not contain enough cricket.

“Cricket?” replied our contact at the BCCI, “The IPL has never had anything to do with that! If they were interested in cricket then they would be watching something else!”