I’ve been thinking of writing to you for over couple of months now, but was unsure if I should. But now, I just can’t take it anymore and I feel I must ask you for your advice for one of the things I desperately want to do before I die – I want to streak naked through my office.
Yes, you may find it strange and maybe even pervert, but this is what I really want to do. In the last couple of months, I’ve felt a strong desire to do so, especially after meetings with my boss. My dumb boss gives me some absolutely vague instructions and asks me to meet some absolutely ridiculous deadlines. This leaves me distraught, sitting with my head resting down on my arms on the desk as I look down on the floor with utter dismay. And then this strong urge runs through my senses.
I simply want to take off all my clothes and throw them in the cubicles around me. Then I imagine myself jumping on my desk, stark naked, and beating my chest like a gorilla while making gorilla-like noises. I also imagine myself running all over the office and then barging into my boss’ cabin by kicking the door open. I want to see him shocked as I suddenly start shaking my privates in front of him before running away from his cabin by banging the door closed on his face.
I desperately want to do it and shock the hell out of my boss. Please advise me how to pull this though.
(name withheld on request)
First of all, don’t at all think that your desires are strange or pervert in any way. Believe me, this is absolutely normal! Streaking and streakers are not new to the modern society and you must have seen many of them, especially during sporting events abroad. Streaking has been found to mollify strong human urges and it can help a person lead a normal life again. In fact, latest research shows that office stripping can improve team spirit and employee morale!
I myself had felt like streaking during boring lectures in my college, but I could never muster enough courage to do that. The result was that I started hating that subject and the assignments. I’m sure many of the students, cutting across institutional lines, would agree with me. I believe and demand that the Minister for Human Resource Development should allow one streaking per session in all the institutions, including IITs and IIMs, just like ICC allows one bouncer per over in the game of cricket.
Nevertheless, the naked truth of the matter is that there are many problems with streaking in the Indian society as of now, and all of us must evaluate our options before taking our clothes off.
The biggest challenge is of facing legal consequences after the act. Since your office neither enjoys the privileges of the Parliament nor can it be deemed as a private place, you could be booked under laws preventing obscenity in public places. The act of shaking your privates before your boss could especially be deemed obscene by the courts, even though it was done with no obscene intents. But I guess there is a catch here.
You should ask for legal opinion from a lawyer if the “cabin” of your boss, especially if it’s covered with curtains and is well insulated from public view, is a “public place” under the definition of the obscenity and privacy laws. Because I guess your boss might be doing many stuff behind those curtains and invariably many of those could be obscene acts, but surely he has never been booked, ain’t it? So there you go, I guess a lawyer can help you run naked.
But I am not completely taking my hands off giving any tips or advices to you. Once your lawyer gives a green signal for streaking, please do keep in mind the following factors:
- If there are some minors working in your office, don’t try it at all, as you’d definitely be booked for obscenity (although your office too would be booked for employing child labor). Make sure only adults work and visit your office.
- Rehearse streaking and shaking your privates at your house before you try it in your office. Maybe ask your flatmates (whom you can really trust) or your wife to observe you and ask for their honest feedback.
- Never ever streak if you happened to have an erection while the trial run in your house. You could be shamed forever. No matter what your actual size was, people would always taunt you for having a small tool.
- If your trial run went real well, try to take some adults working in your office in confidence so that later they can testify in a court of law. Also make sure nobody trips you or tries to catch you as you embark upon your mission.
- Don’t wear underwear on the D-Day and wear clothes that can be ripped off in a jiffy, say cargos and overcoats. Let it look like genuine streaking and not a sensuous striptease, as you again could be shamed for life and forced to become a gigolo.
- Finally, makes sure your act doesn’t hurt anybody’s religious sentiments. Make sure your office doesn’t have any pictures of gods and goddesses or other such stuff and take off any religious symbols that you might be wearing. In our secular country, we must respect all faiths.
Once you are done with these stuffs, you are ready to run naked and make a statement. All the best and please do write back to us whenever you accomplish this feat.
(If something is bugging you and your life seems all fucked up, don’t worry, Ask Pagla! Send in your queries to firstname.lastname@example.org and get solutions to all problems of your life)