Faking News has accessed a series of letters exchanged between the top leaders of our country in the last few days, which has now concluded with A Raja resigning from the union cabinet. These letters were supposed to be classified and not meant for public consumption, but a whistleblower in the PMO has sent them to us. The letters were sent to WikiLeaks as well, but the team there is still busy reading the Iraq war documents.
The first letter was sent by AIADMK leader J Jayalalithaa:
Dear Manmohan Singgh,
I very well know the fact that these media people will keep inflatingg this Raja’s 2G scandal case for a week and then forgget about it and targget some other person. But this should never happen. People must not forgget this act of national betrayal. I have certain suggggestions to you and I would be gglad if it is implemented.
- In all the Engglish words containingg the letter ‘G’, the letter has to be written twice so that people will be remembering the ‘2G’ scam, and ggiggggle every time they see Raja.
- All the popular names must be changged in their spellingg. From now on, names like Gandhiji, Nehruji, Bhajji and Jumanji must be written as GandhiG, NehruG, BhajG and JumanG respectively.
- The History subject must be removed from the School syllabus as I stronggly believe that knowingg about other Indian Rajas (Kinggs) will set a bad example to the kids.
On dismissingg Raja, if that DMK withdraws support, I will ggive 18 seats from AIADMK ggroup. And I will assure that all the 18 seats will be neatly stitched and will have sufficient amount of cushion in it to make the seatingg comfortable. I assure to give an ‘unconditional’ support to your GGovernment, and all you have to do is to fulfill my 1,123 conditions before taking my 18 seats.
Yours unconditionally, J.Jayalalithaa, Also known as Amma.
Of course, the mainstream media could only know about the demand of sacking A Raja and offer of Amma’s support in case DMK withdraws support to the Manmohan Singh government, and that’s what DMK president Karunanidhi got to know, which prompted him to write the following letter:
I am writing this letter with a very heavy heart as my heart has grown too big after learning that our country lost 1.76 lakh crore rupees due to A Raja. I have called the Tamil Nadu police and the Scotland Yard to find the sum that has been lost. We have also started advertising on ‘our’ TVs and I am sure that we will find the lost amount very soon. We have also signed a MoU with Google to inform us as soon as they find it.
And Amma is lying. Even if she wins a parliament seat and counts herself as equal to 6 MPs, she will not be able to match us. Our sum is more than you can imagine. No one can divide that.
Ever confidently, Dr. Kalaignar.
Clearly, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh was not so amused with the letter. He texted “wassup dude? Any updates?” to A Raja himself using his latest 3G services, following which the tainted minister wrote:
I know you will have doubts whether to dismiss me from the post or not. Please don’t worry. No one knows what power I have in Tamil Nadu. I have strictly ordered my optician not to disclose it to anyone. A few weeks back, a small incident happened and it was then I realized what my potential is, indeed.
I attended the conference where Dr. Vaseegaran displayed his first andro-humanoid creation – Chitti, The Robot. Everyone was asking questions to Chitti and it was answering all of theirs. It was at that time one of the scientists next to me asked Chitti, “What is the largest prime number you know?”
I, then, out of curiosity asked the scientist what is a prime number, for which the scientist replied that such a number can only be divided by one and the number itself (meanwhile Chitti was busy typing).
Chitti then showed a large number and said, “It would take 10 years for you to check if it is right or wrong.”
It was only the next morning I counted the 2G scam money I had. I was pretty much sure that the number I counted was definitely more than the number Chitti typed. And I can surely say that the number I counted was a prime number because except one (you know who he is) no one else can divide that sum. It was only then I realized that I am more capable than Chitti. So better don’t take me off from the Ministry.
Yours ‘faithfully’, A Raja.
Dr. Manmohan Singh was crazy as hell at this point of time and hence he forwarded all the letters to UPA chairperson Sonia Gandhi and authorized her to take a decision on the A Raja issue.
Sonia Gandhi replied within an hour:
Forget what Amma has said or what Karunanidhi means, we’ll take a call next year when assembly elections in Tamil Nadu take place. Let’s see what A Raja has said; it’s very interesting.
If the 2G scam sum is more than the largest prime number, surely it will take more than 10 years even for a learned scientist to find that out. That’s another two terms for the UPA! But where is the money? This Raja guy can’t talk like this. He should be taught a lesson.
Furthermore, our perception has been improving since we have removed Ashok Chavan and Suresh Kalmadi (even though he’s still the president of IOA, LOL!) and RSS has been helping us by acting like asses. We must capitalize on this and kick this Raja out. Ask Dr. Karunanidhi to appoint a Rajkumar (but no Yuvraaj, make that clear) to replace Raja.
You should break this news to Karunanidhi the way you deem fit.
Yours, Sonia Gandhi.
Manmohan Singh wrote the last letter to Dr. Karunanidhi:
I know how much valuable Raja is for our country’s growth and development. But all good things must come to an end. So we have sacked him, but DMK should say he has resigned.
Please don’t take it otherwise. He will undoubtedly be the 2G hero of India and from now on, the last spectrum of the VIBGYOR series, which has been known as the Red spectrum, will be renamed as Raja spectrum as a tribute to his selfless soul and for your cooperation.
Looking forward to my honorary degree in Kalaignar Thoughts.
Yours dependently, MMS. (sent from my PMO’s PC on 3G)
(the writer blogs here)