WARNING: Contains minor spoilers on Interstellar.
Arnab Goswami (AG): Today on our show, we have the soft spoken, charismatic and mysterious Christopher Nolan, widely attributed to being a modern day auteur in making blockbuster cinema. Thanks for coming to talk to the no 1 talk show host cum stuntman cum ear specialist in India!
Christopher Nolan (CN): Uh.. It’s a pleasure!
AG: I’ll get straight to the point. A constant criticism that has dogged your movies in recent past has been background music cancelling out the dialogues, especially in case of Bane, who people could barely understand. Frankly speaking, why didn’t you consult me for the role?
AG: No no, don’t try to dodge my question Chris. You should’ve known that even if you had 10 Hans Zimmers banging on drums simultaneously, people would still be able to hear me. And here I thought you do extensive research before making a film.
CN (dumbstruck): I have no clue what you are talking about!
AG: Spoken like a true politician Chris! Feigning ignorance. I can see you have a bright future as an Indian MP. But let me move on to my next point. In Interstellar you have shown an IAF drone which has lost it’s way and wondered into America. Are you suggesting our air force is so incompetent it can’t even make a drone right?
CN: No that wasn’t my intention…
AG (cuts off): Don’t try to be coy with me Chris! Not on my show! The Indian Army wants to know! You could have easily shown a Pakistani drone or an Israeli drone but instead you targeted India. What was your ulterior motive behind this?
CN (stammers): Look man, let me complete…
AG (snickers): I am sorry but I’ve given you enough opportunity for a rebuttal. Your racist nature is being exposed here my friend! But let me get to the next topic.
CN (whispers to his assistant): Call my kids and tell them daddy loves them… forever.
AG (continues): In Interstellar, Prof Brand proposes two plans to save mankind, A and B. Plan B suggests artificial cultivation of human embryos, and it’s suggested that diversity of genes is crucial. So I want to ask, did the sample have Marathi, Jat, Pujabi, Tamil, Bengali (etc etc) genes? Did you allocate 50% OBC quota for genes? What about Jarwa genes from Andaman?
CN (wipes sweat of brows): I didn’t go into such details…
AG (starts screaming): My God! How can you be so insensitive? You are acting like Sanjay Jha!
AG: No no, don’t try to divert the topic! What you have shown in your film is akin to genocide! You have attempted to wipe out entire races! I propose the Supreme Court to form a SIT to investigate into this matter!
CN (attempts to get up): Look it’s been really fun chatting with you but I’ve got to get going.
AG (drags down): No I will not let you do a Modi on my show! Not again! (Twitter hashtag appears below: #NolanAttemptsAModi).
CN (angrily): This is preposterous! You are a sick man!
AG: No no, don’t you dare patronise me on my show. Don’t for a minute think I’ll let you off if you shower sweet praises on me, though I deserve every one of them. Now let’s move on to my final and most pressing query. In Interstellar, you suggest that only love and gravity can travel through time and space, correct?
CN: Yes that’s right.
AG (jumps off seat and grabs Nolan): That’s wrong Mr. Nolan! My voice can also transcend dimensions! You can hear me from the event horizon of any black hole or other galaxies!
CN (visibly shaken by the sudden attack): What are you talking about? Sound can’t travel through space!
AG: And black holes don’t have bookshelves inside. But that’s a different matter. How dare you defame an honest journalist like me? My viewers know me! They know my voice! They can even hear me shouting in their dreams! Hell I bet they can hear me take apart General Pirzada even after they die! This proves my voice is not bound by physical dimensions!
CN (tries to escape): I..I’ll think about it during my next project.
AG: Yes you will! And you will cast me as your principal adviser! And you will give Times Now exclusive rights to all of your upcoming films! And you will appear on Newshour every time I tell you to! And..
CN: Yes yes I will! For Matt Daemon’s sake let me go! (Runs away gasping)
AG: And that concludes my interview with Christopher Nolan. Next time we will have Matthew Mc Conaughey with us to talk about his role in the movie. Till then, stay safe and keep those Saridons handy.
Epilogue: It is being reported that after observing Nolans fate and hearing Arnab’s declaration to have him on the show next, Matthew has begged NASA to send him to the nearest black hole, this time for real.