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Swiss banks announce zero balance accounts as interest level in such accounts reach all time high

25, Oct 2014 By Mishtik Journo

Zurich, Switzerland. With Swiss bank accounts, and the mystery around them being in headlines again, a leading Swiss bank – YUBS (pronounced why UBS) – has launched an innovative product under which zero balance accounts are offered to Indians by it.

The product shall be secretly offered exclusively to anybody who applies. The decision was taken by the bank authorities after taking into accounts the “real” reactions of people and discounting “political” reactions.

“I don’t keep money in my wallet, instead, I keep them safe in my Swiss bank account.”

“Swiss bank account holders are held in special awe in India. They have a status of their own being a class apart,” said Nofuss Sekurite, MD of YUBS, “It will be a dream come true for Indians to be having a numbered Swiss account. They can crack business deals and make political friends by claiming they have Swiss bank accounts.”

“So long as you maintain a Swiss bank account, even if with zero balance, your status will remain upgraded as an ultra-high net-worth individual (UHNI). You can keep spreading rumors of having millions of dollars in this account among your friends and relatives for the next twenty years as names and bank balances are not likely to be made public before then,” said Nimesh Shah a middle management executive with a private company.

“I am unable to find a suitable match for my son because of his modest financial status. A zero balance account with YUBS will certainly help me find a girl fast and easy,” Rajendra Khandelwal from Delhi told Faking News.

“Actually, your status as an HNI is safe for your lifetime. You always have an option to shift the account with a bank in Cayman Islands or Isle of Man,” supplemented Nimesh’s colleague who is experienced in such matters and has recently shifted his account from a Swiss bank when the new Indian government started making the wrong noises.

“From my childhood I have seen Swiss bank accounts as a favorite option with leading villains in Bollywood films playing the role of politicians, industrialists, smugglers or bureaucrats. The villains in contemporary cinema continue to have these accounts with nonchalant impunity,” said Bimal Lakhotia 62, an old fan of Hindi films, “Swiss bank account remains a fascination of our family even after sixty years. My father died ten years back dreaming of having one.”

YUBS is giving a T-shirt free with every account with slogan ‘Proud customer with a Swiss bank’ printed on them to help clients boast of their status.

“We are looking for tie ups with a couple of local banks to facilitate account opening and operations. It will be akin to ‘study in UK from India’ by getting a degree from University of Cornhill while studying at Pyarelal Institute of Management at Mirzapur,” said the Vice President at rival Swiss Credit Bank while disclosing his plans for India.

Sales for auto brands like Ferrari, Mercedes, BMW and Audi are likely to take a hit as the new safer status symbol of having a Swiss bank account that entails no cost takes the wheel.