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Janitor mistakes investment banking analyst for furniture, dusts him

01, Apr 2014 By Ranjeet Bhide

Mumbai. In a shocking early-morning incident, a janitor at a bulge-bracket investment bank, while dusting furniture in the office, cleaned up an analyst working ‘late’.

The exact date of the incident is unclear since the janitor was starting his day while the analyst was ending his previous day.

Boring Job
It’s not a furniture.

It is well-known that highly-paid investment bankers often spend 16-20 hours a day working.

When contacted, Jaggu, the janitor, sounded extremely embarrassed. “Please don’t tell the bosses,” he said, “this guy was sitting so still for so long that it didn’t cross my mind that it could be a person. I dust all the permanent fixtures in office.”

However, investigation revealed that other janitors have made similar mistakes in the past.

“We can’t help it,” another janitor said on the conditions of anonymity, “Once there was this guy who sat working for so long that fungus grew over him. It isn’t my fault that I vacuumed him thoroughly!”

Surprisingly, the 24-year-old analyst wasn’t too upset about the incident.

“This is a small price to pay for the amount of money I make,” he said. On being asked if he goes out often enough to spend all that money, he replied, “Out? What’s out?”

But he explained that there were benefits, beyond money, of working in investment banking. “You can’t imagine the kind of high quality, enriching work we do here,” he said, while expertly correcting a typo in the 107th version of a powerpoint presentation.

“You also get to interact with the who’s who of Corporate India,” he added, while waving a warm goodbye to Jaggu and the other housekeeping staff who were just leaving office. “Besides,” he whispered, “considering how sparingly I get to take a bath, it’s not bad that I get cleaned up every once in a while.”

Senior investment bankers jumped with joy when told about this story. “This is a great idea!” said a Managing Director, “We can now get analysts cleaned up in office itself, so they don’t have to go home. If they work 24 hours, I can make more useless changes to my pitchbooks!”

Faking News took the opportunity to ask the analyst if he had any words of advice for MBA students aspiring to be investment bankers.

“Sure,” he said, “they should make a concerted effort to learn the relevant skills. No, no, not finance or management skills – those are easy. More important are skills like sitting still for days, fitting an impossible number of words on one slide, forming meaningless sentences such as ‘We believe, however cautiously, that the industry is slowly progressing towards a positive path of strong upward momentum, although we do not rule out downward corrections’, turning any sort of data into a chart that goes upward, and so on.”

When asked if avoiding sleep is another skill MBAs need to learn, he said, “Naah. They’re already awake all night watching Game of Thrones. They know how to not sleep.”