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Gujarati bootleggers looking to expand business in Kerala as state may impose prohibition

21, Aug 2014 By Chuck of all trades

Ahmedabad. Good news for those looking for jobs and have a talent for subterfuge. Kerala’s recent decision to phase in prohibition has opened a tremendous job opportunity in the bootlegging sector.

Gujaratis, who are anyway in large numbers in the southern state selling spices to its own people, are especially thrilled.

“Bootlegging is one of our core competencies. We will bring our experience and best-in-class practices to ensure satisfactory last-mile delivery to our clients,” said a Surti businessman settled in Kochi, who clearly has been wrapping his spices with the pages of a Philip Kotler.

Kerala liquor shop
They could soon need a new destination

If sources are to be believed, a contingent from the Alcohol Dealers and Distributors Involving Concealed Technologies (ADDICT) has arrived in Kerala to do a reconnaissance and market research.

This involves speaking to the local population, scouting out ‘handover spots’ and learning to pronounce various brands with an accent – such as ‘Joni Wogger’ and ‘Indus Bride’.

“Kerala is quite well known for drinking, and we see tremendous potential here,” said a leader of the contingent, who refused to give his name but offered his number (call after 9 from landline only please).

Ironically, the average Malayalee is not perturbed by the possibility of prohibition at all. In fact, most of them look forward to the professional bootleggers.

“Earlier, we had to stand in a bloody queue at state-marketed liquor shops,” said Sandeep Nair, a second-year engineering college student alluding to the infamous BevCo, “But now, we can have home delivery. For long, we have envied our brethren in Gujarat and Bombay. Now we have this world-class treatment coming to the upset liver of the country!”

Acchhe din aa gaye!” Sandeep told Faking News.

The bootleggers too consider it achche din and have promised to provide jobs to local youth once they have learnt tricks of the trade. Experts believe that this could trigger a political war between BJP and Congress over claiming credit for job creation.

In a possibly related move, about a hundred bars have been set up just inside the Tamil Nadu border in the last few hours.

We are still unsure about whether the prohibition includes other parts of the Republic of Kerala, such as the UAE, Muscat, and Bahrain.

Meanwhile Sreesanth, sadly, was unavailable for comment.