Thursday, 21st September, 2017

Snippets

ATM machine starts dispensing peanuts soon after bonus announcements

27, Mar 2015 By savvy1983

HR executive, Miss Jhagdalu Sharma from Manjulika Tech screamed her heart out – “…I was trying to withdraw money from my account… but the ATM machine started vending peanuts instead…#%F-word%#” . After attempting a similar transaction, her teammate Mr Funny Babu was also amazed, not shocked though, as he seemed to enjoy the “masala peanuts”.

According to our correspondent, the ICU bank CEO, Mr Tatti Kumar said, ” ..yes …what do you expect ATM machines to vend if you have NO money in your account?.. ” And haven’t you heard of our new banking technology – ” Peanut vending enabled zero balance accounts ..”. Not to forget ….peanuts are healthy, prevent constipation plus you dodge the risk of getting robbed…”.

Taken out from ATM
Taken out from ATM

Incidentally, Manjulika Tech recently announced its annual bonuses following which most of its employees were in a state of complete shock and disbelief.

The head of the Manjulika Tech payroll support team Mr Jhoota Singh told our correspondent, “… yes….we decided to skim off bonuses by about 99.9% this time and what most people have received is only in decimals….but you should however appreciate the fact that bonuses are still a part of the CTC…”.

When our correspondent asked Mr Jhoota Singh, why the hikes were so low, he simply handed over a book titled ” 101 reasons why you never deserved it… “.

“And …we have strictly advised our employees to not post their bonus letters on Faking news..” he added with a disgusted look.

Meanwhile, Manjulika Tech’s competitor – Rashtriya Software Sangh (RSS) is planning to launch a major “Ghar Wapasi” recruitment drive. RSS Chairman Mr. Beithe Beithe told us, ” We are quite excited about the event and expect a huge turnout ..’poaching or conversion’ sound so pedestrian so we decide to call this event as ‘Ghar Wapasi’ after all, we pioneered the IT revolution in India…and trained most people in our benches. Unlike our competitors, the ATM machines in our campus are enabled to vend ice creams and milk shakes apart from cash.”

On a candid conversation with Mr Jhoota Singh of Manjulika Tech, he promised, ” we shall do a ‘Reverse Ghar Waapasi’ if the situation demands so….And we are confident to re hire our talent, if we lose any, by luring them with iphone 6 cases and anti scratch screenguards…”

The Secular software forces group has strongly condemned the “Ghar Wapasi drive” which involves luring employees by ice cream, milkshakes and cash in the ATM vending machine. Where is “achhe din” screamed a secular activist, When tried calling the 24×7 achee din helpline number, the automated message said “you are in the queue please wait for another 4 years”.

Peanut tech, which was recently in the news as its employees chose a “sanskari path” was least bothered and impacted by the ongoing turmoil in the IT world despite their ATM machines too dispensing peanuts. Our correspondent Mr Salim Feku reported that the company has decided to not remove any of the Alok Nath posters from the office as reported earlier as it signifies the “sanskari path”.

Also read this report.

Disclaimer: All characters and organisations in this report are extraordinarily fictitious and do  not resemble any person living, dead or married. No animals, human beings or even ATM machines were actually harmed during compilation of this report.