NEWSWIRE

In light of the shocking incident of a car daring to overtake Robert Vadra on a Delhi road today, Government of India has issued a set of traffic guidelines to help Indian citizens.

Citizens are requested to follow these guidelines at all times to ensure a happy driving experience for everyone.

Just like everything else in India, these guidelines come under 2 categories, VVIP and General.

Robert Vadra

Government is also considering a high level proposal to make Shri Robert Vadra the brand ambassador for disciplined driving

VVIP GUIDELINES:

1. Never ever ever ever… EVER, overtake a car that belongs to Robert Vadra. (“Never ever ever ever… EVER” is a trademark of Mr. Arnab Goswami and we give full credit to them while using it here)

2. Touching Rakhi Birla’s car will be considered an act of terror and you will be punished under the Anti-Terrorism laws. Keep your car, scooter, cycle, cricket balls, hands, et al. at a safe distance from her car when you spot it on the road.

3. Take your dogs off the roads (even sidewalks) when you see a car belonging to a BJP leader. It really hurts them when a puppy comes under their car. You will have to pay compensation to them for causing mental anguish if it happens.

GENERAL GUIDELINES:

1. Lanes and zebra crossings are painted on the road to create employment opportunities for painters and to let the purchase officer make some money. Any other purpose that you may have heard of is just a rumor.

2. Traffic lights are changed frequently only to add some color to your life. Don’t stop your vehicle to stare at a red light, keep on driving, you will see another one soon enough.

3. In case of an accident, the vehicle with bigger size is at fault. So even if you are going down the wrong way on your bike, if you hit a car then the car’s driver is at fault.

4. If you see an ambassador car with lal batti in your rear-view mirror then you must give way immediately. You may be delaying a scam of national importance. However, don’t extend the same courtesy to an ambulance; if an ambulance is getting delayed due to traffic then so too is Yamraj. Nobody is going to die.

5. Little kids make the best airbags. Keep them positioned in front of you to absorb the impact during an accident.

6. Every driver must carry 100 Rs notes in their wallet. Traffic police will not be responsible if you don’t get the change after paying 500 Rs or 1000 Rs currency note to a traffic cop.

7. Drunk driving is prohibited only for college students. Mainly because they spend all their money on booze and have nothing to give to the traffic cop who pulls them over.

8. Vehicles behind you come to an immediate halt when you decide to change lanes or make a sudden turn. Don’t bother turning on the indicators, sudden use of the indicators may confuse people.

9. You must keep pressing the horn at all times. While indicators are optional, honking is mandatory at all times.

10. Roads double up as parking zones at all times. You can park your vehicle on the side of the road, middle of the road or even on the median dividing the road. A No Parking sign is a reservation sign for your vehicle; please park there the moment you spot one.

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