NEWSWIRE

Mumbai. Realizing the fact that millions of TV viewers in India have got addicted to watching Arnab Goswami fight Pakistan, Maoists, and all other kinds of enemies of the state and the society, Times Group has sensed a business opportunity and decided to open de-addiction centers across the country.

“There have been cases where people have felt restless until they see a restless Arnab Goswami on TV,” a Times Group source told Faking News, “Such people, when denied the daily dose of Arnab, complain of breathlessness, depression, confusion and extreme rage.”

“I think it’s true!” Apoorv Sood, a prime time news viewer said, “I started watching The Newshour with Arnab Goswami this Monday, and God, I can’t sleep without watching it now! THE NATION WANTS TO KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME!”

Arnab Goswami

A not-so-angry Arnab Goswami

Experts believe that “Arnab-addiction” is happening to people like Sood, who could soon demand some de-addiction to lead pre-Arnab lives again.

Sensing this demand, The Times Group has planned to open a chain of Arnab Goswami de-addiction centers, where people will be helped in leading a normal life and get an Arnab-Life balance in their lives.

“People addicted to Arnab Goswami will be shown never-seen-before video clips where Arnab would be shown talking slowly and in totally subdued voice,” the source revealed, “They will also be exposed to soothing spiritual talks, but not those by likes of Asaram Bapu, who can remind the addicts of Aranb’s rage, and undo the therapy.”

The top management of The Times Group has confirmed the plans.

“There is no inconsistency in employing Arnab Goswami and running these Arnab de-addiction centers at the same time,” Times Group MD Vineet Jain claimed, “Don’t we already run the India-Pak peace initiative Aman Ki Asha in The Times of India while we are direct with Pakistan on Times Now?”

“Everybody does it,” he further claimed, “Remember, NDTV journalists like Barkha Dutt used to mock Rakhi Ka Swayamwar, which used to air on now defunct NDTV Imagine.”

Humaam mein sabhi nange hain (everyone gets naked in bathroom),” he added, interestingly a quote often said by Rajdeep Sardesai, the Editor-in-Chief of the rival news channel CNN-IBN.

While Mr. Jain declined to comment, sources reveal that NDTV and CNN-IBN are putting all the money for running these Times Group owned Arnab de-addiction centers.

“No one has been watching these channels ever since Arnab has gone into a perpetual aggressive mode, and these channels worry about going bankrupt,” a source clarified why these news channels were ready to give money to a rival media house.

print Print

Report filed under:

Media