New Delhi. The Times of India (TOI), the leading print advertiser in India has published two lines of news on its front page today. This has caused a nationwide confusion and uproar among people, who have been wondering what could have been so important that these two lines could not have waited till the second page.
TOI which much earlier used to publish news on its front page, started experimenting with bottom-half ads, right half ads, left half ads, fake front pages, before doing away with the goddamn news altogether.
After that there have been several innovations such as “Where’s the News Today” where people had to spot a news bit on the front page commercials and SMS it to a shortcode to win a supplement of “advertorials” for a month.
Another popular innovation included 3D ads, similar to children’s pop-up story books, where carefully scissored ads were included between the first page and the second, which sprang the users when they turned the first page.
With the common man used to such innovations, today’s surprise news, not embedded in any ad, on front page unsettled them a bit. In fact, most of the readers read the news again to confirm that it indeed was a news report.
The first reader who successfully concluded that it indeed was a news was Mr. Anuj, who immediately called Faking News headquarters to report his distress.
“I was sitting in the loo, all excited to unfold the fresh issue of advertisements and suddenly my eyes fell on something. There they were, two full lines of news, rearing their ugly heads near a glossy print of a bikini model selling insurance. How dare they, I can’t tell you how I felt,” he sobbed.
We contacted TOI offices and were told that this was indeed true and they were sworn to their sacred duty of reporting news and henceforth these two lines of news will be a daily feature.
The FN correspondent was also told that TOI had considered a proposal to outsource the news division and focus on advertising, something that has shaped up the modern generation.
“We thought we will do a full 24-page advertising paper. And our outsourced news vendors will supply us with a few pamphlets of news that we will slip into our paper. It was a brilliant idea,” a TOI official said.
“And let me tell you; this decision to include two lines of news daily on the front page hasn’t been an easy one. I mean, think of it, it was like pausing a lingerie fashion show to read 10mins of Krishi Darshan news. Whoever would want that!” he said.
“When we first stopped publishing news on the front page there were these cry-baby puritans who decry everything from letting a cricketer on the field giving an interview to showing snippets of Laughter Challenge in the breaking news section of a news channel,” he recalled, “But this time too we have a job to do and we will not be held back by anyone from publishing these two lines of news.”
TOI is also considering renaming itself to TOI-Love-Entertainment-Trivia Paper. The Top management is still debating abbreviating it.