New York, USA. Confused over which economy to downgrade next, financial services company and rating agency Standard & Poor’s (S&P) has decided to downgrade the whole human race. Starting tonight as per the GMT, human beings will cease being the best creation of God, a place that looks certain to go to the monkeys for having managed their affairs in a better way.
“We have downgraded Human beings from the earlier AAA rating to BBB level and upgrade Monkeys from the Default level to AAA rating. With this, humans have ceased being the best and the most favored creation of God, a belief widely held for thousands of years by the humans without any documental proof,” a press release from S&P declared.
“They are a bunch of useless living beings,” Manbandar Singh, an S&P analyst concluded about the human beings, “With no predators around and a monopoly on the natural resources, we’d have expected them to do better. But they have fucked up major time.”
When asked by Faking News if S&P analysts and researchers didn’t consider themselves as part of the human society, Manbandar Singh thought for a while and said, “We are not sure.”
The development comes close to S&P threatening to downgrade India’s rating below investment grade. However, with the whole human race downgraded, experts are not sure if this should be seen as downgrade of India as well.
“In relative terms, Indian rating has not changed as there are no monkey nations, but in absolute terms, this means Indian economy has been downgraded, possibly to the junk grade,” Monkeyt Singh Ahluwalia, an economist concluded after three hours of analysis.
But many see a silver lining.
“If we declare ourselves a nation of monkeys, we will become the country with the best credit rating,” Hanumant Singh, an economist proposed how India could benefit with S&P’s decision.
“It should be easy,” Hanumant said, “Monkey portfolios are doing better at NSE and BSE, which proves that the aam aadmi investing in the market is as good as a monkey. We have video recording of how our leaders behave in assemblies that can help in proving that even our elected representatives are as good as monkeys.”
“Finally, let’s have a monkey as the President, or maybe even as the Prime Minister of India, and we can have a shining economy,” Hanumant Singh proposed.