Islamabad, Pakistan. After the risk of getting arrested as soon as he lands in Pakistan, former Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf has decided to declare himself a terrorist so that he was granted safe haven in Pakistan. Earlier, Pakistani interior minister had declared that Musharraf would be arrested as soon as he landed in Pakistan, after which the former military ruler was forced to delay his plans of returning to Pakistan.

“Mushie is thinking of having an image makeover before making his next attempt to come back, so that he is assured of a minimum security and guarantee of life in Pakistan,” Ashfaq, close aide of Pervez Musharraf told Faking News.

Pervez Musharraf

Musharraf could soon address a press conference to underline his terrorist tendencies

After some basic research and analysis (not to be confused with RAW, the Indian intelligence agency – Ashfaq clarified), Musharraf’s party men concluded that Musharraf could be safe and sound in Pakistan if he declared himself a terrorist – a mujahid out there to destroy India, US, Israel, Denmark, Salman Rushdie, and women posing nude.

“Tag of an ISI or Army supported mujahid would have helped even more, but the current equations between the Army, ISI and the politicians might make that difficult,” Ashfaq rued.

It should be noted that after being an Army Chief and President, Musharraf is currently a politician in exile, who is hopeful of returning to Pakistan and capture power through elections. However, he is struggling to find support among the masses and only Indian news channels appear to take him seriously.

“Given that he gets to visit India and talk to Indian journalists so frequently, he could have won a few seats in the upcoming Uttar Pradesh assembly elections in India, but that’s not our aim; we want to win elections in Pakistan,” Ashfaq said.

A decision to brand Musharraf a terrorist is believed to help the former general in the Pakistan general elections and pitch him ahead of former cricketer Imran Khan, who too is hopeful of winning elections and making Pakistan a superpower bigger than India.

As part of “Musharraf is the real mujahid” campaign, old memories of Kargil War will be reignited and Musharraf would take full responsibility of orchestrating the war. Photoshopped pictures of Musharraf with captured or killed Indian soldiers would be circulated on the internet to highlight the anti-India image of the former general, which could help him a lot in the elections.

“Musharraf is the most liked Pakistani politician on Facebook,” Ashfaq claimed.

When asked if being a terrorist and fighting elections were not contradictory in nature, Musharraf’s friends dismissed such concerns as “irrelevant”.

“Right now our aim is to bring him back safely,” Ashfaq said, “And who knows; imagine if Osama Bin Laden would have decided to come out of his Abbottabad mansion and fight elections. Let’s not rule out anything in politics just because it defeats logic.”

(originally written for and published in English daily DNA)

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  • shahbaaz

    Where the hell were u. No post since 5 or 6 days, I missed u pp

    • arun

      yeah me too

    • Samabhav Pandey

      me too :)

      • Rahul

        me too

        • Manish

          me too

  • Prashant

    “a mujahid out there to destroy India, US, Israel, Denmark, Salman Rushdie, and women posing nude.”
    all in one single sweep… awesome! :)

  • Kavi

    If he declares himself the best friend of Kasab, he’d get a safe home in India too, with free biryani!

  • Amar

    Roshan Sirji.. u are so very awesome.. :) :D

  • Rahul

    yes, he can win a few seats in UP, with the help of Dogvijay Singh

  • ravi

    He could have won few seats in UP
    elections… Too good

  • zaid hamid

    Dont worry hindu indians..when we capture Delhi in Ghazwa e hind then we will show how good masters we are. We Pakistani are brave sons of Tipu Tarique Sallauddin Fakaruddin Bakruddin and many more fathers.
    Radio Pakistan Delhi is coming very soon InshAllah and yhen Radio Pakistan Washington will be broadcasted by 2020.

    • Govind Raj

      Super Zaid Bhai, we are waiting. :-)

      • Zaid Hamid

        We will set a date.. meet us in Panipat.

    • Jalaludeen

      Dear Zahi Hamid,

      Khwab acche dekhte ho, lekin kabhi poore nahi hone wale.

      Pakistan to sambhalta hi nahi hai aur Delhi ke khwab dekhte ho.

      • Zaid Hamid

        Pakistani chand pe baithne wale hain agale 5 saalo me (jab ye baat humne kahi thi tab se 4 saal beet chuke hain)..

        chand pe baith ke hum hindu indians ko mungfaliyan marengey…
        aur phir paleet hindu chand ko mama bhi nahi bula payengey…
        Chand se Radio Pakistan Delhi ka direct broadcast hoga..

    • Indian Prince

      ha ha…nice should become a regular reporter of faking news

      • Zaid Hamid

        We only work for ISI…

        If Faking News is funded by ISI then I may consider it.

    • samodh

      Am quite sure about that “many Fathers” thing !! but please come soon…! :D

      • Zaid Hamid

        You are showing traits of a mujahideen… we will make you sipahsalar in Ghazwa-e-Hind.

    • Amit

      I clicked on your name and saw your website. Good work on that fool named Zaid

      • Zaid Hamid

        Shukriya future Greater Pakistani.

    • Parth Pathak

      Loved your web-site…gr8 work :D

    • Nishith

      Dear zahid,
      Do all pakistanis have a foot in the mouth disease? Many fathers, indeed!!

    • Nishith

      PP, you are too much. Keep up the good work.

    • Arindam Chaudhary

      What a satire Hamid sahib ….
      Roshan … u ought to consider this man for writing in Faking news…

    • Arindam Chaudhary

      Awesome…U have just beaten Digvijay Singh….

      • Zaid Hamid

        We respect Dickvijay Singh…. he inspires us to conjure more conspiracy theory. It is high time for him to expand his domain and make international conspiracy theories.

  • Rajiv Kumar

    excellent post PP..keep it up

  • Rashtra chintak

    What shud kashmiri pandits declare so that they can return to their motherland??
    anyway nice article.

  • stng

    “Let’s not rule out anything in politics just because it defeats logic.”
    this line is a killer HAHAHAHAHH :P

    I request Faking News to come up with a story on the ongoing “a laptop will be given to every children” by Samajwadi party and then akali dal , if they win election.